5:31pm

Good evening!!

So excited to announce that I finally got time off and will be visiting home on the 30th through the 4th of May! 
We were supposed to get our paychecks this week, but our payroll person is not on track, or else I'm off, because, we got no paychecks . . . at least this week is a new week. 
I don't have much to write - I have been dealing with severe procrastination and I'm getting back on track, buuut I think I already wrote about that.

Being around other people is very discouraging for me, and I miss my friends. One suddenly went on a retreat and was gone for like a day or two, and the other is  . . . probably sleeping?? I have no idea. I don't stress about it anymore, it's more just disappointing, and the nagging fear that maybe this time I've said too much - even though it very rarely is ever about me or my texts, but rather that that person's life got in the way; so I always try to remind myself of that if I ever start second guessing or worrying about why someone is not texting back. Anyway, digression over - I feel like everyone I meet is an adult with a side of sarcasm or ridicule (whether for my height, age, seeming lack of knowledge, which isn't true, my sensitivity, or just the fact that I'm a girl), or they worry about me too much in a way that says "if something happens to you I'm in trouble" rather than, I trust you, just be careful. And maybe they do trust me, but it just gives off "you're a naive & stupid young woman and the world is full of bad people". Yes, I am aware of this, but just because I don't look or live like I'm constantly in defense mode doesn't mean I don't know how to activate it should the situation require. I'm just tired of everyone needing me to do this and do that and requiring me to announce when I'm home (which is great, only I don't feel like I'm going home I feel like I'm being graded on my adulting skills when I'm doing just as fine as everyone else is) and telling me to save my money when I'm trying to do all of this without everyone breathing down my neck. My neck hurts. 
And if they're not an adult with a side of sarcasm and distrust, they are a person my age who I can't figure out - because they act sensitive, and then make me feel like the only person who has ever been sensitive. They say what I was thinking and when I start to relate and say something I feel, then suddenly I am irrational and that isn't what they meant. All this is conveyed in such subtle ways that they probably have no idea I pick up on the meaning behind all that they are saying, and maybe I've got it wrong, but needless to say, or as I have already said, being around people, is exhausting . . .

Because either I'm suspected of not being aware enough, or accused of not keeping myself safe enough, or hinted that I am unrelatable and silly, or quite simply, not heard. Every day feels like a fight to say what I want to say but realizing it's so much easier to stay quiet in the face of people I don't feel are worth connecting with anyways. 
Life is good, I am just tired of people, tired of distrust and suspicion. So so tired of it, and I always have been. I am so tired of it. Just believe me. Just listen to me. Just trust me. For once. For once!! Because if it's not because I seem young and incompetent, it's because people aren't listening, and if it's not that they're not listening, it's because they see something bad in me - I seem weird, or unsettling, or some other thing calling for suspicion. Anyway, another big thing is no matter how many times I explain it to people, they still scold me for spending money. And when I explain it again, they get offended at my impatience. Because is anybody really listening? Are they? I doubt it . . .

Gonna sign off and be productive, but I hope to be back soon <3

-SS