4:10pm

Good morning blog!!

Life is crazy but I am afraid that it's hard for me to recognize because I am so far advanced in my learning on how to be chill, confident, calm, and graceful; to freak out is no longer in me; to yell and shout at people who will not take my words to heart is not in me; to yell and shout at people who will take my words to heart is even less in me; to walk with anything less than the calm assurance, confidence in, and grace of God, is no longer in me.
After all my doubts, my intuition was correct, and I am being "thrown out". My aunt and uncle are splitting up and I am now applying to jobs as fast as I can. My lovely job is being put to an end, but about none of this I am upset. About all of this I feel virtually nothing. I feel no anger, no sadness, no anxiety, only calm and happiness. I guess I am glad to get back to being with my family, and I am not thrown by this whole situation, because I had kind of seen it coming, I just didn't think it would happen this fast 😅 so I am praying for good success and a place to live quickly, although thankfully I have lovely parents whose house I can stay at in the meantime. 

I have been seeing this girl on Instagram with a brand called K1dsaint, and the stuff she sells is really cool. It's really expensive, but I love the thought and meaning behind it and it's all handmade, so I will definitely be buying something from her as soon as I can save enough <3

The Em Beihold concert is so soon!!! My sister's gold dress to be a 'Shiny New Thing' is here and I hope all goes well. All I need now is to buy my own dress from the thrift store, which I plan on doing tomorrow.
I have sort of diagnosed myself with BPD - I thought I had it when I was 16 or so, watching a video from SBSK with Daniel Nepveux, who has schizoaffective disorder and BPD, (schizoaffective disorder really fascinates me, as it is something very difficult that can be overcome, and is what Adrian Borland suffered from leading up to his suicide in 1999). Anyway, I really related to some of the things that Mr. Nepveux said, although the specifics I don't remember at this moment, because it's been awhile since I watched the video. I remember writing to a friend about it, and I probably sounded really mental, and I honestly haven't really spoken to her a whole lot since, as she kind of gradually ended contact with me (I don't know if it was intentional or not). My mental issues have seemed to be the demise of many of my relationships and friendships and such. Since I do not have ocd, just signs, I believe that after years of the thought of BPD marinating in my head, and reading about it now, I am afraid that it may very  the issue that lies within my neuroworld.

There is not much more to say, as I am focusing on the road ahead, of dying pants and washing clothes and packing clothes and cleaning my room and packing my stuff and washing my bedding and waiting for the day when I will be able to go back home and start something new (again).

My aunt is really upset about all of this, but I am afraid I remain, unmoved. To me, that is a good thing. For once, my emotions are not rocking me like a ship on the waves. Not rocking me "back inside my heart" as Julee Cruise says. 

I am going to log off, and come back in probably a week or two <3

-SS