4:14 pm

Good morning!
Waking up the blog again. I have some more pictures of my bullet journal to show you guys. J liked it, and although I'm not feeling very inspired, I'm not too upset with it. I mean, I like it, it's turning out ok, there's just a few things that bother me about it and stop me from going forward with full conviction.

1. I will definitely have to use binder clips, because gluing pictures onto each page expands the pages about 5 times. That means that each section will be 3 times as big as it should be, resulting in a virtually always open book, unusable because it cannot close. This fact is bothering me, although I already foresaw it, I didn't really think of a solution until now, but it's too late, and the format I have thought of will have to wait until next year. It's ok, but number 2 has also bothered me as well 

2. About 20 key photos I wanted for my aesthetic did not get printed (I hand picked, sized and printed all my stickers from Pinterest and I highly recommend you do the same ♡♡), which means that photos that I could have and would have rather used on certain spreads did not get used when I would have wanted them. Which is fine, but I'm a little bit sad and disappointed about it. Other pictures got used when I could have used better ones. This only really bothers me because besides the fact that it's unfixable, it also means that I have less of a chance to use them, because I have to use my stickers more sparingly than I was thinking. 

3. Maybe it's just the weather, but I've been feeling pretty uninspired towards my journal lately. I am only making 4 months at a time, but still, I just haven't been feeling the spark, and honestly, I think reason number one is mostly to blame. I hate when things have an uncomfortable twist that makes my things less functional. I'd almost rather not use them at all. So, even though, like I said, I'll have to use binder clips, and even though they will probably work, it's still bothering me.

Now that those negative thoughts are off my chest, I will post my pictures, before getting some ibuprofen and a snack to start on my bullet journal again. 

   

  

P.S. if anyone wants my weekly check-in questions, lmk, and I can post them : )
I got them from Jaycie's_diary on Instagram late 2024 and have been using them for a year now. <3

 1:00pm

Good morning everybody!!

The show we finished was Doom at Your Service, and we also finished the last episode of I'll Go to You When the Weather is Nice, because I had been lied to, but it's my fault because I could have watched the last episode a long time ago, I just didn't want to be emotionally wrecked. Although I do wonder why no one told me, haha. Of course the reason is because the people who would have heard and read my complaints and anger would have been none the wiser, but either way, I have watched the last episode, and Eun Sob got what he deserved, and I am healed. 

Doom at Your Service was amazing. The parts with Kevin were completely unnecessary imo, and made me feel (personally), really embarrassed, but overall I really liked it and I thought it was powerful, moving, and a timely watch. I loved Cha Joo Ik, and the parts with him in it definitely could have been longer. 
I have also decided to get rid of my blog "Does it have a happy ending?" 
I might remake it someday but for now I just haven't looked at it and it isn't getting updated and I'm sure it's not getting views, either.
We are watching "He is Psychometric" - and as you may know, I have already seen it, but I really thought that my sisters would enjoy it, now that we're back to watching Kdramas together. So far, they are heavily invested XD
There's a trend in the shows that I love the most, and it's how the characters feel lonely and touch-starved. In D.A.Y.S. both Dong Kyeong and Doom feel this lonely feeling - when she loves someone, or finds someone to make her happy, they leave. This is something I too have felt on a deep level. When Doom comes into contact with something - in fact, whenever he does something - Doom happens somewhere. (or something like that). The point is, when he touches something, it becomes dead, grey, and doomed. I also feel this way in a sense. When someone makes me happy, I want them to discover my second layer, but almost no one seems to be able to make it past that second layer - and until someone else can, I feel stuck there as well.
In He is Psychometric, Lee Ahn is definitely touch starved because of his ability, and has an independence complex (also sounds like me), although the people around him are too detached, though well meaning and certainly care about him, to realize this or put much thought into it. 
He feels that at any moment people could leave him and he will just have to be okay with it. (Sounds familiar . . .)
And it's these characters that tug at my heart strings and make my eyes well up. My heart really hurts when I see the pain in Lee Ahn's eyes or the awkwardness after someone avoids his touch, and then realizes what they just did. 
Also Eun Sob, I felt his pain, his distance, his fear, his longing . . . his calm acceptance that the things he loves the most can never be his, and the quiet realization when he wakes from the temporary gratification of his wishes only to find that, indeed, he was meant to be alone. 
And thankfully, that wasn't the case after all, and hopefully, not for me, either, but at least I hope to live with his quiet and graceful acceptance of things that go against my wishes - the calm taking of life as it's given to you, despite your deep pain. 

~~~

I haven't really started work on my bullet journal yet because I need music to create and generally I try to take a break from music on Sundays, and generally all media. So I'm not sure if I'll end up working on it today or not, we'll see. Otherwise, I was making planners as gifts for my younger sisters, so I haven't made any further progress on it since the photos I last posted.

I am writing a letter to J to give to him if I see him at camp. It is not about me, and it will not try too hard to explain my own behaviour or actions or the fact that my love for him has grown rather than shrunk, contrary to my hopes and expectations, but rather just to tell him how his decision made me feel, how much I respect him and am grateful for him. I could spend two more pages telling him how I'll wait and everything, but what use is that? Especially when I have no idea what the future holds. Especially when I don't know what's in his heart. I will just tell him about himself, from my eyes, how I am doing, and how he has affected me, and nothing about how I personally feel about him. If that makes sense. It's a thin line to walk, and a complicated thing to explain, but I will post the letter when I write it. 

For now, XoXo

-SS

P.S. Also, I want to say that I want to be returning to who I was in the summer. I wish boys never existed, even though I like them. I just want to be completely satisfied, and if I could wish for one things this year, it would be just that. To be completely happy and completely satisfied despite my having a crush or even what could be called a one-sided or at least star-crossed love. So regardless of that, I am going to have a wonderful time this summer, despite whatever may happen to me, and I can't wait for it to come back. I don't get seasonal depression anymore, but I am still at my peak happiness in summertime, and the day when hands are no longer cold or dry all the time - when rain may fall freely - when I may go outside with hardly a second thought - when I feel warm and happy under the sunlight . . . that is what I am waiting for.

 12:20pm

Good morning everyone!

I've been trying to start the year off right by actually waking up at 6:00am, because I know that if I start now, by the end of the year I will find it easier to wake up earlier than later. I want to be the kind of person who can watch the sunrise, because it's always been in my veins. 
Tomorrow I am supposed to get more bullet journal supplies, so I will be doing more of that, and I am so excited 😊

I will be back later to write about the kdrama we are watching 😊😊

 6:04 pm 

Good evening everyone!

Ah, but I had a resolution - to always write good morning, no matter the time, because I am learning to take things by the sun. I mean, it is the good morning club, the aspiration is to write in the morning, because I am a morning person - but somehow it just slips away from me and flows down the current of everything I have to do. It just happens. And it's okay- good morning, because I am waking up the blog : )

Today I began my bullet journal. I guess I can upload pics, I never do seem to upload when I say I will 😅

 

9:10 pm
Had a major Google photos cleanout and now I am about to watch my show 😊

I'll write about kdramas tomorrow. I have ~things to say~ .

12:17pm

Goooood morning everyone!!!

Happy new year!!!!!!

It's been awhile . . . 2 months? 

But the big question on my lips is . . .  how does my blog have views?! Who is seeing this blog? How are people finding it? I'm genuinely wondering where I posted the link, because I can't remember anymore . . .

My message to you all:
The unhoped for can happen and things won't fall apart. 
I say this, but I almost did fall apart . . .
J will not be in a relationship with me, because he doesn't know how he feels. He doesn't know what he wants, and he isn't ready for anything like this right now. And bless his soul for being so honest because if he hadn't been honest, things would have been ruined. What is in God's plan for us is to remain friends. I'm just focusing on how grateful I am for that, because I spent Monday and Tuesday crying about losing him. And when it was revealed that we could still be friends, I felt okay. I seriously thought I had done something bad, but he never blamed me. He only didn't want to hurt me. I did something foolish by giving him a book of my poetry, but what's done is done. There were only 16 poems and I avoided some of the worst ones that would give him a true picture of what a wreck I used to be or how awful I've felt towards some people, but he still was terrified to tell me no about being in a relationship because he thought it would damage me, and also thought that meant he would have to let me go, which he really didn't want to do. He doesn't want to keep me on the hook, but he doesn't have to, because my heart makes that decision. Nobody makes the final decision for me. If he said we could never be in a relationship because he will never feel that way towards me, then I would say, "okay, I won't ever hope for one." Of course my heart is a liar, but I would grow used to that idea. But since he said he doesn't know and that he would feel lonely without me, and he just doesn't know what he wants, and he wants me to find someone better than him, but I'm not actively looking for anyone (I never have), then I will just have to secretly wait for him until I get hurt. Unless I don't get hurt and he learns to love me. But for now, I get to keep my wonderful friend and bank my heart on the possibility that we could be the ones for each other, and I don't know if the pain will be worth it or if there will be pain, or what will happen, but I do know that his being my friend and wanting my friendship has saved me from a jaded fate; from apathy, lethargy, and possibly depression. I felt myself feeling lost, like a failure, and brokenhearted at the thought that I could have damaged him or his family or disgraced myself towards them like that when they are the family I have always looked for and thought couldn't possibly exist. They are everything I've lived to find, and if I never get to be a part of them, I will die convinced that I missed out on some key role in my life that somewhere in the past, I fumbled my right to become a part of. I feel like Laurie towards the March family. It's not something I know that I will become a part of or that I even think I could possibly deserve, but it's what would make my life more complete than any plan I've ever had. 

I wrote this in my diary this morning:

A new year's message for J:

Since I can't give this to you - 

since I refuse to give you any more notes -

no more grand letters or declarations -

for those would surely scare you away forever -

I write you this in private.

You are healing me - through things

we can't control, I experience hurt, and

instead of leaving me to bleed

all alone, you bandage up my wounds and 

stick around to make sure I'll be okay.

You don't leave - I know what you're

afraid of, and I want to tell you that 

you don't have to be. I do. Because

I'm stupid. But that's not your fault - 

and the way I've been created - my

heart has to wait for the possibility -

I live on the possibility - that you

would grow closer to me, want me -

let me be yours. Even if it never happens,

my heart would break now if I left 

you behind in fear of future hurt.

I would rather be there for you, you

be there for me, and we draw close

with the possibility of becoming

more, even if it never comes to be so,

than run away from any chance of

love, just because I could get hurt later.

We'll always get hurt at some point

or other - it might as well be worth it. 

Even though, in the midst of all the pain,

I feel like a failure, aware of all my

extreme foolishness, and I cry out that

none of it was worth it - the more worth

it the tears, the more it hurts like the Dickens.

And truly, for a damaged heart like mine, 

is pain ever worth it? I always feel that

it drags me back & I lose progress in my

journey to healing - and maybe the

pain isn't what I hold out for (of course it's not!)

but what I think, briefly, stupidly, is that

the possibility of a good thing was worth

the pain, no matter how excruciating.

And then when everything turns out the way

I was afraid of, I can't help but feel blame

for it, and I feel the agony of my mistakes

and lament even trying.

So, to close - if, if, if - but I hold out

because of what I know - the one thing

that's sure is that you are a wonderful friend,

you have healed me, and I have no choice

in my heart but to wait for you.

So, we start the new year off with the one thing I had hoped for truly - a support system. And that's all I can really say, because I need to be thankful for that, and I am. My new year's resolutions are these:

✰ Be there for my friends - believe in them

✰ Be more intentional in showing my friends gratitude

✰ Grow in grace & in the joy of the Lord

✰ Grow in diligence

✰ Keep going

✰ Trust God more

I am going to be honest, I trust my gut a lot of the time, or a feeling I have, and I don't have a sure feeling that J will ever like me. Sometimes I do, but sometimes I don't. I can't see this one - I can't guess it. I can only hope, blindly . . . and I'm afraid that I will just have to accept that I was wrong again and maybe I will never find someone. Maybe J will never want me like that - he says he doesn't even know what kind of person is right for him. I have no idea what kind of person I'm right for . . . I know what I want for myself, but I don't personally feel right for anybody . . . maybe everyone else is meant to find love but me and the rest of the single party. I can be happy alone, but what would truly complete me is having that romantic love. And maybe I was just never meant to feel complete - to taste it and leave it alone. To try and touch it and get pushed back. 

"No One is to Blame" - Howard Jones
You can look at the menu, but you just can't eat

You can feel the cushions, but you can't have a seat

You can dip your foot in the pool, but you can't have a swim

You can feel the punishment, but you can't commit the sin

And you want her, and she wants you

We want everyone

And you want her and she wants you

No one, no one, no one ever is to blame

You can build a mansion, but you just can't live in it

You're the fastest runner but you're not allowed to win

Some break the rules, and let you count the cost

The insecurity is the thing that won't get lost

And you want her, and she wants you

We want everyone

And you want her and she wants you

No one, no one, no one ever is to blame

You can see the summit but you can't reach it

It's the last piece of the puzzle but you just can't make it fit

Doctor says you're cured but you still feel the pain

Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain

And you want her, and she wants you

We want everyone

And you want her and she wants you

No one, no one, no one ever is to blame

No one ever is to blame

No one ever is to blame

Happy new year, everyone! Enjoy your summer when it comes, because that's all I'm looking forward to right now - beautiful summer when the world is mine again and nothing holds me back from stepping off the porch into my life. Here is to 2026 . . . I don't know what it holds, but I won't be afraid. I won't. I won't.

 2:26pm

Good afternoon!

The one good thing I find about living is that in the whirlwind of each week, I least remember the negative emotions. I guess maybe this is how it's supposed to be, but it feels like a new experience for me.

At night I wish for something more with J, but at the same time I feel inadequate. I wrote this to explain the feeling:

Oct. 30th - 11:53pm

I mean, maybe he feels the same way, you know? Maybe it's not psyche and it's just my faulty human emotions for once. I would give anything to be proved wrong about this . . .

And I haven't divulged my true feelings and misgivings about this to anyone - I just don't think they would understand. He doesn't feel like someone I met at camp, because, don't get me wrong - I love camp - but it's not my home, I don't fit in there, and he doesn't feel like camp; he feels like my dreams, my imagination, my delusions and every saturated silly hope. 

And I feel stained and weak.

I feel loud and embarrassing and wrong. 

I feel like I was only meant to watch those I love, and never engage with them.

I feel like I would only ruin their lives but at the same time I feel like I could be so good for everyone too. 

I'm a mess, and I think he is too and I want him so bad.

But wanting him like this makes me feel wicked. Crazy. Totally out of line . . .

Is it normal? To want someone you barely know? To picture how good you could be realistically just based on what little fragments you know of their true personality?

To guess them into being perfect for you and actually being right. I have no bad intuition about him being right for me on all matter of unimportant principles and checking boxes, but still . . .

Is it normal? Am I not creepy for doing this, feeling this, and thinking these things?

Am I not a freak?

But I fear I am not fully capable of deciding that for myself, because I have the deepest empathy for everyone, how much more myself, who I know better than anyone, and yet, so many people misunderstand me. I am not a narcissist, by any means. But what I am trying to say is that I have no right to decide what I am, good or bad, when I am so frequently and grossly misunderstood by other people, that anything I decide about myself is quite frankly discarded without so much as a thought, and I become some mutilation of my true spirit, contorted into a bottle where people only see so much through the tinted glass.

So I am afraid. Deeply and fully afraid. Of everyone, everything, second guessing my own motives from every point of view until I am no longer myself and my actions are no longer my own, nor my thoughts, because I strive so to think from others' minds in order to come across in the best way possible . . . until I am not even doing what I want, but what I think is the best. And perhaps that is not always bad, but I spend so much time in my head that conversation becomes a near impossible with someone like J, and the biggest problem of all is that, so is he, and he also over thinks and second guesses and I'm tied up in a ball of yarn and my stomach is in knots and I don't know how to say anything without sounding like a blunt and hideous script. What is this?! My mind is all ink spots and finger smudges and pepper shakers (Richard Swiveller reference). On what? A never ending scroll - Wet tissue paper - Crinkled paper stained with tea - a wall? I don't know . . . I don't know . . .  I don't know . . .

Actually, the never ending scroll sounds pretty accurate . . .

I miss my Kdramas, but I had to get rid of my Viki subscription when I ran out of money. 
I miss J but I don't feel like I have the right to.

I want a job but I hate driving.

I want to want something without having to start a war just to get it.

And I should be a lot more grateful.

-SS