4:06pm

Good morning!!
I was going to write this morning again, because after I write on here once, I get the urge to do it again, and I've a mind that I could really easily build up better habits, but here is where having a large family comes in as a bit of a difficulty. Moreso the fact that it's rare to find someone who will look about themselves and do things for someone else for once, leaving that to the same sets of shoulders. Instructing or prompting takes just as much energy as doing it yourself, sometimes, and I guess it's just hard to find time for yourself. I'm not the sort of person who can just ignore other people or their moods, or anything like that, and sometimes I want to just be with someone, but it's hard to find the right stuff. Sometimes it's just easier to be alone than to deal with negative/selfish people, and it's easier to be alone when you feel hungry, and it's easier to be alone when you want to be with people and you know the people you want to be with don't want to be with you. So I am often alone "by choice" and yet I am often not allowed a choice, which means I am not actually often alone. I am often crowded in. It's one or the other - very rarely, outside of online, do I find good company to help me enjoy life. I enjoy life. But while that is true, it is also true that I often find myself realizing that there are many many everyday pleasures which I live without and which would really make me a truly happier person. I never sit around and wish I was happier or had such & such, consciously. I sometimes wish I had something that I know would make me ecstatic, and on cloud 9 and infinitely happier than I believed possible, but maybe that's not something I will ever be meant to experience. That isn't the question we are asking right now. I say I "never" sit around etc. what I mean is not that I am perfect and perfectly thankful and content, and everything. But what I mean is this: I make every effort to be content no matter what. To be thankful for everything. I really do, and I really want to be the best I can be. I am fully aware that my inner thoughts, emotions, and monologue are probably full of hideosities and oddities and contradictions and sins. But regardless of these, I enjoy my life, and besides that, I am at the same time aware of the fact that there are things I can look forward to, (as a better way of putting what I have been trying to get across), the things I hope I will experience in the future that I know would bring to my realization the fact that I have not known things which could make me happier than I knew. "In short", as Mr. Micawber says, I am aware that there are things (hopefully) awaiting me in my future that will open my eyes to happinesses I didn't know could be experienced, because I have not yet experienced them. I have gotten good at living a good life, if not always the most fulfilling because I am currently working towards helping others live a more fulfilling life, since they possibly struggle more than I do, or simply because I can help, so therefore I should, that we can all live a semi fulfilling life. I'm not really an "every man for himself" type of person, and I don't really believe in that kind of society. It all depends. All I know is that in my own house, while I am still among siblings, and crowded in, I try to make it as pleasant for everyone else as I can, even if it isn't always the most pleasant for myself, because I know that in the future I can live my life the way I want. I'll make sure of that, if possible. And because I know all this, I state my recent realization: I have realized that I have lived devoid of many excitements and ecstasies which I hope to experience someday, because there aren't many wins, or losses, but certainly more losses than wins, and certainly more standstills than either of those, partly due to my own hopping from family member to family member, and so I am excited for the day when I may relinquish my place in this household and make my way as someone who will really feel unspeakable joy, true excitement, and many wins long waited, long hoped and (hopefully), long worked for.

5:50pm

Good morning everyone!! 
Waking up the blog - I really mean to write more than I do, but there's an issue: my life is not my own right now. It belongs to my family who surround me and I struggle to keep up with everything and when my body decides it wants to procrastinate, I generally give in. But I know I shouldn't, because I don't have the allowance for it. I don't have the time or place for giving into procrastination. Things need to get done, and I swear there's always someone crowding me in and distracting me from any hope of doing anything productive. It's very frustrating and very difficult, but I exercise patience and it helps me continue to be cool and collected even when I mess up. It's only in writing that I sound full of anger, because I just let out all my thoughts and everything. 

It's almost March, and that is exciting for me : D Em Beihold's album Tales of a Failed Shapeshifter comes out on the 27th, but for me it is the 26th at 11pm <3

I don't know what to say . . . I just have a lot, you know? I have a lot I could say about everything, but time keeps flying away from me. Currently I am listening to Yerin Baek, and these are my favourite songs from her album "Every letter I ever sent you."

🌱 "Can I B U"

🌱 "Bunny"

🌱 "Lovelovelove"

🌱 "Square (2017)"

I haven't listened to the second side completely, so I will write any other favorites I get. 

Lent began on February 18th and continues until April 18th. What I am doing for it is:
☁ not really using Snapchat during this time unless absolutely necessary
☁ staying off of Instagram
☁ limiting my time on GlobalPenFriends and Pinterest to once a day
☁ doing extra devotions each day
☁ no scrolling, and no YouTube except for exercising

I have 5 new penpals from GlobalPenFriends, which I'm very excited about : D Three wrote first, and the other two I wrote first. I'm so thrilled about this site, and if you want to find my profile here's my ID and username:

User ID: 1211488

Username: optimisticfool

I love collecting penpals, it's so fun! If you want to reach out & connect with me, just let me know 

: )

 

 4:14 pm

Good morning!
Waking up the blog again. I have some more pictures of my bullet journal to show you guys. J liked it, and although I'm not feeling very inspired, I'm not too upset with it. I mean, I like it, it's turning out ok, there's just a few things that bother me about it and stop me from going forward with full conviction.

1. I will definitely have to use binder clips, because gluing pictures onto each page expands the pages about 5 times. That means that each section will be 3 times as big as it should be, resulting in a virtually always open book, unusable because it cannot close. This fact is bothering me, although I already foresaw it, I didn't really think of a solution until now, but it's too late, and the format I have thought of will have to wait until next year. It's ok, but number 2 has also bothered me as well 

2. About 20 key photos I wanted for my aesthetic did not get printed (I hand picked, sized and printed all my stickers from Pinterest and I highly recommend you do the same ♡♡), which means that photos that I could have and would have rather used on certain spreads did not get used when I would have wanted them. Which is fine, but I'm a little bit sad and disappointed about it. Other pictures got used when I could have used better ones. This only really bothers me because besides the fact that it's unfixable, it also means that I have less of a chance to use them, because I have to use my stickers more sparingly than I was thinking. 

3. Maybe it's just the weather, but I've been feeling pretty uninspired towards my journal lately. I am only making 4 months at a time, but still, I just haven't been feeling the spark, and honestly, I think reason number one is mostly to blame. I hate when things have an uncomfortable twist that makes my things less functional. I'd almost rather not use them at all. So, even though, like I said, I'll have to use binder clips, and even though they will probably work, it's still bothering me.

Now that those negative thoughts are off my chest, I will post my pictures, before getting some ibuprofen and a snack to start on my bullet journal again. 

   

  

P.S. if anyone wants my weekly check-in questions, lmk, and I can post them : )
I got them from Jaycie's_diary on Instagram late 2024 and have been using them for a year now. <3

 1:00pm

Good morning everybody!!

The show we finished was Doom at Your Service, and we also finished the last episode of I'll Go to You When the Weather is Nice, because I had been lied to, but it's my fault because I could have watched the last episode a long time ago, I just didn't want to be emotionally wrecked. Although I do wonder why no one told me, haha. Of course the reason is because the people who would have heard and read my complaints and anger would have been none the wiser, but either way, I have watched the last episode, and Eun Sob got what he deserved, and I am healed. 

Doom at Your Service was amazing. The parts with Kevin were completely unnecessary imo, and made me feel (personally), really embarrassed, but overall I really liked it and I thought it was powerful, moving, and a timely watch. I loved Cha Joo Ik, and the parts with him in it definitely could have been longer. 
I have also decided to get rid of my blog "Does it have a happy ending?" 
I might remake it someday but for now I just haven't looked at it and it isn't getting updated and I'm sure it's not getting views, either.
We are watching "He is Psychometric" - and as you may know, I have already seen it, but I really thought that my sisters would enjoy it, now that we're back to watching Kdramas together. So far, they are heavily invested XD
There's a trend in the shows that I love the most, and it's how the characters feel lonely and touch-starved. In D.A.Y.S. both Dong Kyeong and Doom feel this lonely feeling - when she loves someone, or finds someone to make her happy, they leave. This is something I too have felt on a deep level. When Doom comes into contact with something - in fact, whenever he does something - Doom happens somewhere. (or something like that). The point is, when he touches something, it becomes dead, grey, and doomed. I also feel this way in a sense. When someone makes me happy, I want them to discover my second layer, but almost no one seems to be able to make it past that second layer - and until someone else can, I feel stuck there as well.
In He is Psychometric, Lee Ahn is definitely touch starved because of his ability, and has an independence complex (also sounds like me), although the people around him are too detached, though well meaning and certainly care about him, to realize this or put much thought into it. 
He feels that at any moment people could leave him and he will just have to be okay with it. (Sounds familiar . . .)
And it's these characters that tug at my heart strings and make my eyes well up. My heart really hurts when I see the pain in Lee Ahn's eyes or the awkwardness after someone avoids his touch, and then realizes what they just did. 
Also Eun Sob, I felt his pain, his distance, his fear, his longing . . . his calm acceptance that the things he loves the most can never be his, and the quiet realization when he wakes from the temporary gratification of his wishes only to find that, indeed, he was meant to be alone. 
And thankfully, that wasn't the case after all, and hopefully, not for me, either, but at least I hope to live with his quiet and graceful acceptance of things that go against my wishes - the calm taking of life as it's given to you, despite your deep pain. 

~~~

I haven't really started work on my bullet journal yet because I need music to create and generally I try to take a break from music on Sundays, and generally all media. So I'm not sure if I'll end up working on it today or not, we'll see. Otherwise, I was making planners as gifts for my younger sisters, so I haven't made any further progress on it since the photos I last posted.

I am writing a letter to J to give to him if I see him at camp. It is not about me, and it will not try too hard to explain my own behaviour or actions or the fact that my love for him has grown rather than shrunk, contrary to my hopes and expectations, but rather just to tell him how his decision made me feel, how much I respect him and am grateful for him. I could spend two more pages telling him how I'll wait and everything, but what use is that? Especially when I have no idea what the future holds. Especially when I don't know what's in his heart. I will just tell him about himself, from my eyes, how I am doing, and how he has affected me, and nothing about how I personally feel about him. If that makes sense. It's a thin line to walk, and a complicated thing to explain, but I will post the letter when I write it. 

For now, XoXo

-SS

P.S. Also, I want to say that I want to be returning to who I was in the summer. I wish boys never existed, even though I like them. I just want to be completely satisfied, and if I could wish for one things this year, it would be just that. To be completely happy and completely satisfied despite my having a crush or even what could be called a one-sided or at least star-crossed love. So regardless of that, I am going to have a wonderful time this summer, despite whatever may happen to me, and I can't wait for it to come back. I don't get seasonal depression anymore, but I am still at my peak happiness in summertime, and the day when hands are no longer cold or dry all the time - when rain may fall freely - when I may go outside with hardly a second thought - when I feel warm and happy under the sunlight . . . that is what I am waiting for.

 12:20pm

Good morning everyone!

I've been trying to start the year off right by actually waking up at 6:00am, because I know that if I start now, by the end of the year I will find it easier to wake up earlier than later. I want to be the kind of person who can watch the sunrise, because it's always been in my veins. 
Tomorrow I am supposed to get more bullet journal supplies, so I will be doing more of that, and I am so excited 😊

I will be back later to write about the kdrama we are watching 😊😊

 6:04 pm 

Good evening everyone!

Ah, but I had a resolution - to always write good morning, no matter the time, because I am learning to take things by the sun. I mean, it is the good morning club, the aspiration is to write in the morning, because I am a morning person - but somehow it just slips away from me and flows down the current of everything I have to do. It just happens. And it's okay- good morning, because I am waking up the blog : )

Today I began my bullet journal. I guess I can upload pics, I never do seem to upload when I say I will 😅

 

9:10 pm
Had a major Google photos cleanout and now I am about to watch my show 😊

I'll write about kdramas tomorrow. I have ~things to say~ .