9:06pm

Good evening everyone!

So for now, the blog posts will probably be in the evening as I am very busy in the morning (or not, because I can't get up when I want).
Tomorrow I have plans to be very productive. It heals my soul when the productivity is on paper and not really things people can see, but it fills my mind, and I know that things are more in the works than they would be otherwise because I have all these amazing plans and as soon as they hit the page they are going to work : D
Tomorrow's agenda includes catching up on journaling, answering questions from the book I am reading, writing up shopping list drafts and writing up miscellaneous shopping lists for general things I need, as well as writing back letters <3

I have some awesome news - I have reached 902 poems!! I asked my younger sister if she thinks by the time I am 21 I will reach 1,000 poems and she said definitely; it is only April, and I am 19, so, I think it goes without saying that the answer is yes : )
I have not been stretching like I want, but I will get back into it, hopefully tomorrow morning, but we will see as I think that my devotions deserve more time <3

So excited for the end of this month, as I will be going back home for the weekend on the 30th, until the 4th of May : D
I have some things I want to get at home, bring back to home, and do at home, and see my family, so I am super happy about this!!

Agenda for at home will be:
- get a hair trim
- sew the rip in my jeans
- laminate the as-yet-unmade shopping lists to make them reusable
- buy stamps
- pick up letter(s) waiting for me
Not including the fun stuff! (going for runs with my sisters, cooking, going to our little coffee shop, watching Penelope, getting pop at the Co-op, etc.)

I really need to be getting to bed, but this is also helping me to sort out my day and next couple of weeks, so I will stay on here until I have said everything I need to say . . .

Did I mention that I watched Green Card this past month? I watched part of it as a 13 year old and wasn't a huge fan, idk. Anyways, it's been on my mind a lot over the years, so I decided, what the heck, let's just finish this thing! (I totally wrote about this already, whatever XD) And, it has become one of my comfort movies, and I will be rewatching in the future, and buying it to have in my future movie collection, and thinking about it often, as the atmospheres were just so fantastic, subtle, and comforting. So anyways, yeah, would recommend, and I will try to make a list of my comfort movies in the future : ) : ) 
My brain wants to do more than it can, and I am having trouble deciding just exactly what I am going to be doing tomorrow in the first shift of the day (work: 9-3; this is when I get my more mindless things done, that will feel more like a waste of time). 
Anyways, perhaps this is where I should close, sit down in front of my journal, write the prayer I meant to write on Monday to go ahead of the week (better late than never!! Especially for prayers <3), and then look at whatever is next before I finally decide to go to bed; I will get better at balancing all of this, I know. One day it will all be a breeze, I am really just working towards that one day when I will live alone and in my cute little apartment and won't have these last little closing bits breathing down my neck, as I am closing a chapter, and we are at the last 1/4 before I enter my 20s and a new part of life - Life On My Own. Soo, things are a little bit more difficult, and I have so little time to catch up before I am adjusting again, and I just can't wait to be done adjusting, at least for a little bit! I want some sort of a routine with the support to sustain it! And I know that will come one day, but for now, we are powering through without it, and I am going to do everything as if normal, because I am determined to get everything necessary done before my new chapter starts >\/< So, all this rambling to say, that while I am sorting things out to live my best life now, July will roll around, and dismantle my routine again completely, and then August will be here and it will be back to the grind, and I will be doing my best to save so I can go home for good, and I will probably be sad and nostalgic, and Jason will be starting college, and I will be praying so much, and that's the rocky road and if not avalanche, that young adulthood is, but I am determined to keep my best friend through this. I am rambling even more, how crazy! Honestly so glad I started this blog, haha, and it really comforts me through these days to know that I have been an inspiration to one person, at least: Jason- he thinks I am so brave and mature, and he asks for prayers to grow more and to do what he has to do, and I am so happy to be an inspiration to him. Camera Obscura says: "you're feeling a little sad tonight, but you'll be alright"; during a very low period of my life, I heard these words, and indeed, now, I have powered through, and I will be alright!
There is a weird feeling inside of me that once, somewhere, someone was inspired by me, once, someone was close; I was one of the ones, once... this is a feeling from a hazy summer memory, stained by the tears on my pillow. I didn't become one of them, I fell short just beneath the mark; lost breath in the last stretch, when I had just a few more blocks to go, and I didn't make it. But somewhere, once, I was an inspiration, I was someone who could be borrowed from, and I was almost someone who could be looked up to. And that is one of those things that means more to me than I could allow myself to think about, because it can't do anything for me. I think of my sisters, my two younger sisters, who really are the most important people in my life, and I can't turn back time or fix my actions, and I am triggered by radio songs because of things someone did to me in the past, but I love them more than anything. This is all connected, but it's so cool to be able to write about it like this, just letting my fingers fly, and people can read this and find it interesting and make their own meaning, or have no clue, and that's the really cool thing about my blog. 

I really do need to get to bed, so see you all tomorrow, possibly, and here's to a productive tomorrow! 🍻

8:50pm 

Good evening, again! : )

Double shift tomorrow, for which I am super excited!! I actually love my job! So the situation right now is that I am staying with my aunt and uncle (the latter of which doesn't seem to want me around; which I reciprocate, but he's not my true uncle, either) - and I am working as much as I can at a pastry shop, and saving money! I also work at the little vendor on the side, which I actually do more, and it's so relaxing! I get to be completely by myself and do my thing until the occasional customer comes along, and bake cookies and clean my station and it's so fun! I am going to learn Korean, because I have so much free time, especially on these double shifts (who am I kidding, that's what I love about em ; ). I am also going to be bringing my chess books and the small portable chess set my aunt gave me, which is orange and white and soo cute - she had it specially made for me, and it's adorable! It's a little plastic foldable square that turns into a rectangular tube, and has two orange caps and then all the pieces fit inside - it's actually genius! Because, I have all this free time, and I refuse to let it rot away <3 

I went to a record store today, because it's on my way home, and bought Heaven or Las Vegas on vinyl, which for some reason is rather hard to find online. I will be buying Oasis' What's the Story Morning Glory for Jason one of these times, as well as Beach House's album Bloom, and Mazzy Star's 'So Tonight That I Might See', which I have on CD. But all in time, because I need to spend that with tips, and I have to save those, yk, but tomorrow I will be buying food because I am staying til 9:00pm : )
Anyways, things were really rough adjusting, but it's getting so much better, and I am pretty happy, mainly because I still have Jason as a friend, and we text regularly and he's still so nice. 

I watched a show when I first arrived here, and it was called "Why Is He Still Single?" and it was honestly very good! I loved the characters and it was very entertaining. Aside from that, I shed tears almost every episode. Could have been my emotions, hormones etc., but still, the nuance underneath the skin of each character pricked me to the core of my heart and I couldn't help but feel their pain in every little speck of feeling or word that went unnoticed, but was there. I just couldn't help it, and it was honestly freeing to cry so much during it. 

I have started work on my beloved book, Alina Adams seems to be releasing new music soon, Em Beihold will have a deluxe track (or multiple?) before tour (I think?) which starts May 12th, and I have tickets for June 5th (!!!) and maybe things are healing, or maybe they're still tottering. Walking on a tightrope with 50% of confidence and 85% humor and a smile is what I'm doing right now, so I guess I'm not healed, not even healing that well, but just living. Maybe one day I will be healed. When things are peaceful, and it's not now, but like, I'm okay. I'm doing good and I'm proud of myself. This just isn't where I want to be in 5 years. But you know, I'm enjoying every moment as best I can, and as painful as that is, and as much as I just want to be in my comfort zone once again, I know it's all worth it. 
Why is that, anyways??? All the horrible things feel so flipping good and necessary when you're in the middle of it, and then you're done with it and you're sitting there, feeling awful about it. But all the good things feel like hell until you're done and you feel amazing. Why is that??? Life's greatest mystery, I guess . . .

I'm heading to bed in hopes to be a little bit better than I was this morning, but I did better than I did yesterday, so - just remember, that's what counts! 1% better than yesterday is what is important. 
Good night!!

-SS

 10:10pm 

Good evening, blog : )

I should totally be going to bed, or at least clearing it off, as my blanket is currently drying (and getting warm and cozy 😊) and my bed is a mess, full of papers and needs a sheet, but I wanted to at least begin the blog, as I have not been posting at all like I have wanted to. I will be trying to make an effort to do so, now that lent is over and my self-imposed extras are done with. Things are digging up like new soil very soon, and I am very pleased with how things are turning out; adjusting is never easy, but I will be telling you all about it tomorrow : )

Also, another one of my posts got published on The Unsent Project, so I'm going to put it up here to celebrate! It's been forever since a post I submitted actually got posted, as I've been trying for months now, and not one has gotten picked. I wanted one in each shade of green they had, which, to be fair, I need one in olive, now, but I will attempt that later. For now, here is the last shade of real green:

Look out for new posts soon, and good night!! <3 

-SS

 4:06pm

Good morning!!
I was going to write this morning again, because after I write on here once, I get the urge to do it again, and I've a mind that I could really easily build up better habits, but here is where having a large family comes in as a bit of a difficulty. Moreso the fact that it's rare to find someone who will look about themselves and do things for someone else for once, leaving that to the same sets of shoulders. Instructing or prompting takes just as much energy as doing it yourself, sometimes, and I guess it's just hard to find time for yourself. I'm not the sort of person who can just ignore other people or their moods, or anything like that, and sometimes I want to just be with someone, but it's hard to find the right stuff. Sometimes it's just easier to be alone than to deal with negative/selfish people, and it's easier to be alone when you feel hungry, and it's easier to be alone when you want to be with people and you know the people you want to be with don't want to be with you. So I am often alone "by choice" and yet I am often not allowed a choice, which means I am not actually often alone. I am often crowded in. It's one or the other - very rarely, outside of online, do I find good company to help me enjoy life. I enjoy life. But while that is true, it is also true that I often find myself realizing that there are many many everyday pleasures which I live without and which would really make me a truly happier person. I never sit around and wish I was happier or had such & such, consciously. I sometimes wish I had something that I know would make me ecstatic, and on cloud 9 and infinitely happier than I believed possible, but maybe that's not something I will ever be meant to experience. That isn't the question we are asking right now. I say I "never" sit around etc. what I mean is not that I am perfect and perfectly thankful and content, and everything. But what I mean is this: I make every effort to be content no matter what. To be thankful for everything. I really do, and I really want to be the best I can be. I am fully aware that my inner thoughts, emotions, and monologue are probably full of hideosities and oddities and contradictions and sins. But regardless of these, I enjoy my life, and besides that, I am at the same time aware of the fact that there are things I can look forward to, (as a better way of putting what I have been trying to get across), the things I hope I will experience in the future that I know would bring to my realization the fact that I have not known things which could make me happier than I knew. "In short", as Mr. Micawber says, I am aware that there are things (hopefully) awaiting me in my future that will open my eyes to happinesses I didn't know could be experienced, because I have not yet experienced them. I have gotten good at living a good life, if not always the most fulfilling because I am currently working towards helping others live a more fulfilling life, since they possibly struggle more than I do, or simply because I can help, so therefore I should, that we can all live a semi fulfilling life. I'm not really an "every man for himself" type of person, and I don't really believe in that kind of society. It all depends. All I know is that in my own house, while I am still among siblings, and crowded in, I try to make it as pleasant for everyone else as I can, even if it isn't always the most pleasant for myself, because I know that in the future I can live my life the way I want. I'll make sure of that, if possible. And because I know all this, I state my recent realization: I have realized that I have lived devoid of many excitements and ecstasies which I hope to experience someday, because there aren't many wins, or losses, but certainly more losses than wins, and certainly more standstills than either of those, partly due to my own hopping from family member to family member, and so I am excited for the day when I may relinquish my place in this household and make my way as someone who will really feel unspeakable joy, true excitement, and many wins long waited, long hoped and (hopefully), long worked for.

5:50pm

Good morning everyone!! 
Waking up the blog - I really mean to write more than I do, but there's an issue: my life is not my own right now. It belongs to my family who surround me and I struggle to keep up with everything and when my body decides it wants to procrastinate, I generally give in. But I know I shouldn't, because I don't have the allowance for it. I don't have the time or place for giving into procrastination. Things need to get done, and I swear there's always someone crowding me in and distracting me from any hope of doing anything productive. It's very frustrating and very difficult, but I exercise patience and it helps me continue to be cool and collected even when I mess up. It's only in writing that I sound full of anger, because I just let out all my thoughts and everything. 

It's almost March, and that is exciting for me : D Em Beihold's album Tales of a Failed Shapeshifter comes out on the 27th, but for me it is the 26th at 11pm <3

I don't know what to say . . . I just have a lot, you know? I have a lot I could say about everything, but time keeps flying away from me. Currently I am listening to Yerin Baek, and these are my favourite songs from her album "Every letter I ever sent you."

🌱 "Can I B U"

🌱 "Bunny"

🌱 "Lovelovelove"

🌱 "Square (2017)"

I haven't listened to the second side completely, so I will write any other favorites I get. 

Lent began on February 18th and continues until April 18th. What I am doing for it is:
☁ not really using Snapchat during this time unless absolutely necessary
☁ staying off of Instagram
☁ limiting my time on GlobalPenFriends and Pinterest to once a day
☁ doing extra devotions each day
☁ no scrolling, and no YouTube except for exercising

I have 5 new penpals from GlobalPenFriends, which I'm very excited about : D Three wrote first, and the other two I wrote first. I'm so thrilled about this site, and if you want to find my profile here's my ID and username:

User ID: 1211488

Username: optimisticfool

I love collecting penpals, it's so fun! If you want to reach out & connect with me, just let me know 

: )

 

 4:14 pm

Good morning!
Waking up the blog again. I have some more pictures of my bullet journal to show you guys. J liked it, and although I'm not feeling very inspired, I'm not too upset with it. I mean, I like it, it's turning out ok, there's just a few things that bother me about it and stop me from going forward with full conviction.

1. I will definitely have to use binder clips, because gluing pictures onto each page expands the pages about 5 times. That means that each section will be 3 times as big as it should be, resulting in a virtually always open book, unusable because it cannot close. This fact is bothering me, although I already foresaw it, I didn't really think of a solution until now, but it's too late, and the format I have thought of will have to wait until next year. It's ok, but number 2 has also bothered me as well 

2. About 20 key photos I wanted for my aesthetic did not get printed (I hand picked, sized and printed all my stickers from Pinterest and I highly recommend you do the same ♡♡), which means that photos that I could have and would have rather used on certain spreads did not get used when I would have wanted them. Which is fine, but I'm a little bit sad and disappointed about it. Other pictures got used when I could have used better ones. This only really bothers me because besides the fact that it's unfixable, it also means that I have less of a chance to use them, because I have to use my stickers more sparingly than I was thinking. 

3. Maybe it's just the weather, but I've been feeling pretty uninspired towards my journal lately. I am only making 4 months at a time, but still, I just haven't been feeling the spark, and honestly, I think reason number one is mostly to blame. I hate when things have an uncomfortable twist that makes my things less functional. I'd almost rather not use them at all. So, even though, like I said, I'll have to use binder clips, and even though they will probably work, it's still bothering me.

Now that those negative thoughts are off my chest, I will post my pictures, before getting some ibuprofen and a snack to start on my bullet journal again. 

   

  

P.S. if anyone wants my weekly check-in questions, lmk, and I can post them : )
I got them from Jaycie's_diary on Instagram late 2024 and have been using them for a year now. <3