8:14pm

Good evening blog : )

I picked up a shift tomorrow because a girl named Mimi asked me to so we could work together. If someone wants to spend time with me I will never turn them down. I am flattered, to be honest. And if that is a reason I am picking up a shift, at least I am picking up a shift at all . . . I guess? This same Mimi also picked up two of my shifts, one of them being tomorrow, but I am still working that day anyway, I suppose because one girl quit today. I also made cookies for work and my coworkers liked them a lot, so that's good! I will be making more, with how much chocolate I brought home XD XD

I don't work with my least favorite coworker at all really these next 2 weeks and I suppose that has set me in a pretty good mood. I also learned that my two younger sisters are coming to spend the week and that has me soo excited!! And I talked with my younger sister about moving in because she has brought it up multiple times and I think that could be very fun! Our youngest sister wants a job at the winery close to where I used to live and I hope for her sake she gets that. I am waking up at 5 tomorrow but I don't think that will stop me from watching Tarzan tonight, honestly. We are going to the fair tomorrow after work, and I get to see my mom and I am so excited! Just me & my younger sisters are going, which will be so fun. I've never really been the oldest person and I know I am old enough to have done this by now, but I have a big family, so I guess it takes awhile to circle around. 

I should start watching Tarzan, to be honest, so I am going to sign off.

Sleep 4/7 before day off!

-SS

8:34pm

Good evening blog ~
Tomorrow I can buy my Viki Subscription. Tonight I am sleepy. Today wasn't the greatest. I can't stop thinking, and I wish sometimes that I could, but when I stop thinking it is only because I can't think at all and that is worse, sometimes. 
"A woman happily in love burns the souffle, but a woman unhappily in love . . .  forgets to turn on the oven" - Sabrina, 1954
And I am unhappily in love.

There is not much to post if I am being honest, but I might watch Tarzan tonight, we will see. I decided not to bother with the sequel of Hunchback after all. I am just tired of falling in love. I'm tired of yearning, grasping, thinking, longing, hoping with the true essence of the word, and wanting, wanting and then wanting some more. I can't stop thinking about it. How much I want him. Why do I want him so relentlessly? Why does he have to be so perfect? And why do I have to keep falling into love??

Anyway I always say what more is there to write about it (but of course there always is more) and I get bored with myself being so in pain, so there is nothing left to do but close.

See you tomorrow. Sleep 3/7 before my day off <3

9:20pm

Good evening, blog

Feeling down when I was supposed to be feeling up right around this time XD
First things first, and not all of these are things that brought me down,  but the big news of the week is that I deleted my Instagram account. I will post everything that I saved off of there in messages etc. at some point, but right now I am supposed to be going to bed, or something. Anyway, I work 7 days in a row and then I start working a little less. So lets go, here begins day 1/7 of the work week. Should I post every day of these 7 work days and then on my day off get a bunch of stuff done?? That actually sounds like a good plan - 

Tonight marks sleep 1/7 before work - we can do this. 
I told my best friend Rian about what I consider to be the letdown of the century: Quasimodo doesn't get with Esmeralda?? We all know that in the book everyone dies or something, but I thought Disney would give us gorgeous + hideous. Of course if I'm being honest, I didn't think it could really be possible, but you know, that's why I was going to watch it . . . don't we usually watch movies for the impossible? So against all public opinion (which I would say is about 50/50 or 60/40 on if the sequel is good or awful, I will watch the sequel just to try and satisfy that empty feeling inside me that expected Romance and got . . . a society nightmare? Of course they invented some He-Man to come and steal her away, geez, way to boost confidence . . . 
Anyway, a little bit of that and a little bit of this feeling that I have lost another one in the form of my Japanese penpal, (who I finally messaged again, by the way). And just in case I could salvage anything by way of a very useful tool called Communication, messaged and said that I hoped she was doing well, asked if I had said or done anything wrong, and clarified anything that might have given me a bad name if misunderstood - as well as apologized for the simply unholy amount of text in the messages I had sent 19 days prior - so we will see what happens after that. I must be healing, or else I am numb, {but in some ways aren't they the same feeling?} because I don't feel the ground shaking ache in my heart that usually arises from situations like these because of the many times I was left on read and then left for dead by some petty boy with thin framed glasses, yellow hair, an ugly face and that horrible thing given to about 78% of the male population when they are born: an overdose of nonchalance. Or the time when he "was locked out of his discord account" which had such a sincere apology birthed only in the tone of voice that says "I f-ed up 100 other times, and all those excuses were lies, I know, but this time I'm crying wolf for real, and I need you to believe me before I let you down from my forklift into the construction pit below". So yeah, I think he did get locked out of his discord account just to remember me when he came back (probably not because there were a few concerned messages from his token love bomb, yours truly), and probably was a sweatin about how he was gonna explain this mess-up when he got back because it probably happened at the very inconvenient time when he was planning his master break up messages, so you know, he had to wait a couple more weeks before he could finally carry those out. AND I'm still texting the loml who is uninterested in me and I'm not anxious?? (genuinely no sarcasm here), you've gotta be kidding me - the human emotional network and mental/nervous system can learn to heal. Now THAT has got to be news for the world in 2026 . . .

If it weren't for the migraine behind my eyeballs i would probably be writing a little more ambitiously tonight, but I think I achieved a good enough amount, and so I'm feeling a little down because the letdown of the century is that we gave into society's pressure again and let the ugly guy walk off alone, and because I am slightly afraid my past will always scare people away (maybe why the letdown in the hunchback tonight felt so anti climactic and disappointing . . .), but I am going to start a Kdrama soon, "Brewing Love", and I hope and pray to the Lord Jesus Almighty that it is a good and satisfying one that leaves me as upbeat and inspired as all the other ones do especially during these trying times of becoming an adult (XD), and who knows, if I can't sleep, there's a hundred other worse things I could be doing than starting a Kdrama little too late.

Oh, I also finished The Other Bennett Sister. 7/10- not bad, I just wasn't a fan of Mary as the show continued, I don't know how to explain it. It was almost like she became proud, instead of confident, I don't know . . . maybe I just need to watch it again closer to the other episodes, and maybe I just wasn't a fan of her character, and that's okay. Favorite characters were for sure Mr. and Mrs Gardiner, and Tom Hayward. Maybe I'm just a jealous b<3<3<3h who felt Tom deserved better because I have evil inside of me too. I am fully aware of the false and bad opinion that is, but it is my opinion deep in my heart, nonetheless. Goodnight to you all, I apologize for any of the ways I have disappointed anyone, and I hope tomorrow I can start feeling like a less horrible version of myself.

- ever, your jealous H<3e, SS

11:16am

Good morning blog!

I leave in 14 minutes : |
Can I just say that I'm really bored of working so much?? I'm not even anxious anymore or really feeling that burnt out, I just want to get on with it! I want to have time to unpack the two large boxes in my room, look over my stuff, see what else I need, save money, look around me, work on projects, think about life, hope for the future, talk to people, watch movies, enjoy music again, write things and organize my writings, look at the photos and videos my friends send me. But instead, I am barely fitting in one thing each day (and yessss part of that is my phone, I know. I will delete instagram, and actually I might just do it like now. Not NOW but tonight. And I know Pinterest is still a trap for me sometimes but at least that is productive. At least that is productive . . . it's curating my aesthetic, making me laugh, inspiring me, giving me quotes. Instagram doesn't actually give me anything . . .

So anyway, now that you were here for that big decision, (at least you got to be here for something!) I have to leave and I will sign off. I am worried that I scared off another friend, namely my Japanese penpal because she asked for the story of how I was groomed and I told it to her but I don't know if she knew what she was asking. She isn't really that type of person, she's not judgmental or anything, so I know she could just be busy, but I am beginning to think that the right ones simply will not stay and simply do not exist. Except Rian or Elsa, but Rian and I are the same person and Elsa also went through some stuff like that only recently so I guess I'm just a very exclusive personality. 

Peace out,
-SS

2:30pm

Good morning, blog! 

An update on the blog's look and chapter two (00,000,000) of restarting my life and taking back control and trying to get things done in the remaining hour that I have to myself. 
Because, while this morning I did fail miserably, I also count each new day as a chance to start again. God's grace and forgiveness wipes the slate clean and all my tally marks fall to the ground. In his mercy which is new every morning, I find a new start, without shame or judgement; simply a new chance to move forward. Which is what I'm going to do.
My brain says that if I don't have punishment, I am going to fall back into the same sins, as if punishment is enough to purge myself of the sin into which I find myself so much tempted that in those moments, nothing else matters. But what is actually the truth is that without accountability, I will find myself without a life jacket and continuing to get sucked back underneath the waves. At 4:00 I am supposed to call my best friend, but at 9 this morning I was supposed to head out to a church I have never been to before, and where I chickened out on that, I hope she is still able to call me. 
I am almost finished (sort of??) catching up on my devotional schedule (I just do it because I KNOW that I want to finish the whole Bible cover to cover this year and God is working with that to change me through extensive reading (something I've always longed to do anyway, it is just difficult when pressured by the presence of others, something I really wonder if I will ever be free of 😅) and He is definitely pointing out things in these Old Testament passages that I would not have been able to see before. Or, things I would not have been able to parallel with my own life, and therefore may have, in a way, missed out on the true meaning. I need to experience things to grasp them sometimes, although it's very easy for me to understand things, I can't get the full meaning (no one can) unless I am actually experiencing it.
What is it like to say no to sin? I wish I knew that more strongly than I do. I am always giving into certain areas and it makes me feel defeated. I know that is exactly how Satan wants me to feel, but contrary to the camp leaders' belief, church will Not solve everything. Can I be honest for a moment? I don't like going to church. I love God and I love his people, but it seems that the people in the church are not the same ones I would like to be a part of. I know this is wrong, but I just don't like those people very much and it gives me a headache. Why can't we have church in the evening instead of early in the morning? I don't know, I don't want to be that person, but sometimes I am. I don't like the people around here and I don't like church people around here, and I just don't want to be here, and I don't want to go to church. I would honestly almost rather be back at home, because I still feel like I want to run away. I am living right now, but when will that life begin? The one where I am truly on my own? I want to know . . .

Anyway, I have wasted so much time, I am always WASTING TIME (and it's because of my phone and I want to curse and swear) but one day I will have all that money (and you best believe I'm starting now), and I will have all my photos physical and I will have all my music physical and I will have all my films physical, and I will have all my Pinterest boards physical and I will change to a landline and a flip phone and a record player, CD player, tape player, mp3, box tv, DVD player, hookup cords, camera, you name it. I am DONE with instagram, Pinterest, snapchat, all these f*&(*ing time wasters. Sucking my life out and I feel SOOO sucked in and sooooo incapable of being a real human and so disappointed and devastated when I think about it too long. So anyway, signing off to get. things. done. ! Will be back later . . . probably 6 days later . . .

2:20pm

Good morning blog! 
I do not feel awful anymore, and since telling the world how I felt, it has since faded. I am revisiting some of my albums that I own on vinyl, and Vanishing Point is definitely one of New Order's best songs. 

Anyway, this post is for my friend Rian. 

Dear Rian
I heard Matilda today and thought of you. I can't wait for you to tell me how you are doing. Over the time that we have been a little absent from each other's lives I have seen the other side and back again. I miss you. Camp was not the same without you and I felt that icky feeling that I feel when something is missing, or gone. Like something was dead, and that always seems to happen. However, I do not mourn my lost friendships, I mourn the memories that I could not add to because you were not there. 
Life always settles back into this rhythm that seems lost in the current but always comes back like settling sand: life is empty of people except for these few I have been blessed to keep so far.
Amidst wild oceans of loneliness, and cold winds of contentment, it is lost among the surfing waves. This reality that when life is normal, and the flags are white and the sea is calm, texts back from anyone are few and far between, and I fall into sin.
I want life to be different for everyone else. I want things to change in this world for everyone else. I want things to be better, but I can't do anything for that cause besides support those I already have. I do this without the expectation that it will return to me, and it does not return to me very much. Still, it is a harvest I have been trying to sow since I was 9 (and considering most of my friends have consistently decided to fade themselves into the transparent background of my life, I seem to have been unsuccessful). 
But I have done all I could do, and I wouldn't do things differently. My advice to you is to always do what you know is right and don't listen to the lies of being conventional or whatever. Just do what you know you should no matter what. Please tell me everything soon - I miss you.

~ XoXo, Belle

I am too tired to continue this post any further.

 9:31am

Good morning blog ☀

Lets just be honest! I feel miserable. I feel really really awful. I do not feel like life is good and great and wonderful, but rather that I do not want to be living it at all. 
Now, this isn't any more fun for me to live than it is for you to read. It feels pretty much like an endless & vicious cycle, right? But I haven't lost hope yet. I just feel one desire - ONE - to go back home. I just want to go back home more than anything else and it's distracting me to the point that I haven't been able to live my own life. I hate going to bed and I hate waking up and I hate doing anything and I just feel scared all the time. I just want to go home. I just want to go home. Even for a month. I just want to go home. 

You see, last summer was beautiful - I quickly learned that I wasn't one much for dwelling on nostalgia. By 14 it felt like it would kill me - so I avoided it at all costs. I rarely entertain it and it scares me, sometimes. I don't like to live in the past. But last summer was the best summer - I really loved it and it caused me to think that summer was my favorite season. But this year, this year it is heat and sun ever present on my eyebrows, going to bed way too early, going to a job feeling sleepy, dealing with more burnout, and being so lonely I don't have words. I just want to go home. That is all I can think about. If someone were to ask me what's wrong, I would say that I want to go home. That is what I want more than anything in the world at this moment. 

It has occurred to me that certain friends have been written about on this site and that they have access to it as well. I guess that they probably don't read it, because it doesn't seem they are aware that I am aware of certain information. Who knows, I frankly don't care anymore. And that's another thing - I don't care about anything anymore to the point that it is almost dangerous. I am concerned, but don't really care that old friends ignore me or give me weird looks or respond unaffected when I say hi or look at them at camp. I don't care that I am wearing my kidsaint jacket and people are thinking things about me and looking at me with those looks. I don't care about how I am perceived, I don't care what songs we sing, I don't care about anything anymore. Life just lives and I just am a piece on the board - but I don't move. I don't even care about how much money I spend - how counterproductive is that?! And we came to my apartment first so I didn't get to grab anything I left at home and I want my CDs and the shirt I left behind and that means that when my sister wakes up she'll take my younger sister and they'll leave because they want to get home and I'll be left alone until about 3. 
So when I say that I don't like my job, because it is wrecking my life, it's because I feel too tired to do anything before work, or after work, or at work, and I am being pushed, and normally that would be fine, but I am not a robot, and that's how I feel I am supposed to be at this job. But also not - I don't know and I don't like it. Everyone has jobs they love and this is not the job I love. I don't have to think it's the best job ever, but it is affecting me greatly. And I won't go running back home, so no one can judge me for what I decide to do here. 

I am moving on from emotions for now to mention that I purchased artwork from my friend Elsa Wahlstrom - she has a substack called Elsa draws for you, and the picture I bought is called "I forgot how to ride a bike". I adore it so much. Here is the post with the picture that I bought.
I will breathe. And maybe I shouldn't dissociate but I don't know what else to do with myself in situations I don't want to be a part of. I feel like Adrian - everything I do is my own thing and nothing I do will ever correlate with another human being and I will never fit in and I will never even slide into a spot where I pleasantly stick out; I will just go to the grave difficult and strange and ugly. And as Job says somewhere in his own words "even death will not have me". 
I may feel like Adrian, but I can't even die like he did. I just couldn't do that but sometimes I am excited for  that day because I am just so tired. 

I'm a lost cause, and a bad guy, and real damn soon you'll realize, i'm a loser, and a problem, that you don't quite care to solve not anymore . . .

Original lyrics to Alina's newly released song "14U". Gorgeous song, btw. I plan to cover it with one of the choruses being the original lyrics instead.
My insides feel weak. 

But seriously, why do I stay alive and live through this horrible feeling period of my life??????????
Because in the future I might relive last year. I might. I might even meet J's family as unlikely as it feels sometimes. The stories take faith and faith takes strength, but if I can keep up that strength, I will always try to do my best. Instead of "doing it for Johnny" as Dallas Winston would say, I do it for Adrian. It's crazy to me, and heartbreaking, that Adrian was a  real guy. He really sang those songs and he really wrote those words and he really lived. 
I always tell myself that maybe I just need to eat or sleep or get alone for a moment. And then I do those things and feel the same way; or I feel even worse. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I can win. but we just have to keep trying, I guess.