9:20pm

Good evening, blog

Feeling down when I was supposed to be feeling up right around this time XD
First things first, and not all of these are things that brought me down,  but the big news of the week is that I deleted my Instagram account. I will post everything that I saved off of there in messages etc. at some point, but right now I am supposed to be going to bed, or something. Anyway, I work 7 days in a row and then I start working a little less. So lets go, here begins day 1/7 of the work week. Should I post every day of these 7 work days and then on my day off get a bunch of stuff done?? That actually sounds like a good plan - 

Tonight marks sleep 1/7 before work - we can do this. 
I told my best friend Rian about what I consider to be the letdown of the century: Quasimodo doesn't get with Esmeralda?? We all know that in the book everyone dies or something, but I thought Disney would give us gorgeous + hideous. Of course if I'm being honest, I didn't think it could really be possible, but you know, that's why I was going to watch it . . . don't we usually watch movies for the impossible? So against all public opinion (which I would say is about 50/50 or 60/40 on if the sequel is good or awful, I will watch the sequel just to try and satisfy that empty feeling inside me that expected Romance and got . . . a society nightmare? Of course they invented some He-Man to come and steal her away, geez, way to boost confidence . . . 
Anyway, a little bit of that and a little bit of this feeling that I have lost another one in the form of my Japanese penpal, (who I finally messaged again, by the way). And just in case I could salvage anything by way of a very useful tool called Communication, messaged and said that I hoped she was doing well, asked if I had said or done anything wrong, and clarified anything that might have given me a bad name if misunderstood - as well as apologized for the simply unholy amount of text in the messages I had sent 19 days prior - so we will see what happens after that. I must be healing, or else I am numb, {but in some ways aren't they the same feeling?} because I don't feel the ground shaking ache in my heart that usually arises from situations like these because of the many times I was left on read and then left for dead by some petty boy with thin framed glasses, yellow hair, an ugly face and that horrible thing given to about 78% of the male population when they are born: an overdose of nonchalance. Or the time when he "was locked out of his discord account" which had such a sincere apology birthed only in the tone of voice that says "I f-ed up 100 other times, and all those excuses were lies, I know, but this time I'm crying wolf for real, and I need you to believe me before I let you down from my forklift into the construction pit below". So yeah, I think he did get locked out of his discord account just to remember me when he came back (probably not because there were a few concerned messages from his token love bomb, yours truly), and probably was a sweatin about how he was gonna explain this mess-up when he got back because it probably happened at the very inconvenient time when he was planning his master break up messages, so you know, he had to wait a couple more weeks before he could finally carry those out. AND I'm still texting the loml who is uninterested in me and I'm not anxious?? (genuinely no sarcasm here), you've gotta be kidding me - the human emotional network and mental/nervous system can learn to heal. Now THAT has got to be news for the world in 2026 . . .

If it weren't for the migraine behind my eyeballs i would probably be writing a little more ambitiously tonight, but I think I achieved a good enough amount, and so I'm feeling a little down because the letdown of the century is that we gave into society's pressure again and let the ugly guy walk off alone, and because I am slightly afraid my past will always scare people away (maybe why the letdown in the hunchback tonight felt so anti climactic and disappointing . . .), but I am going to start a Kdrama soon, "Brewing Love", and I hope and pray to the Lord Jesus Almighty that it is a good and satisfying one that leaves me as upbeat and inspired as all the other ones do especially during these trying times of becoming an adult (XD), and who knows, if I can't sleep, there's a hundred other worse things I could be doing than starting a Kdrama little too late.

Oh, I also finished The Other Bennett Sister. 7/10- not bad, I just wasn't a fan of Mary as the show continued, I don't know how to explain it. It was almost like she became proud, instead of confident, I don't know . . . maybe I just need to watch it again closer to the other episodes, and maybe I just wasn't a fan of her character, and that's okay. Favorite characters were for sure Mr. and Mrs Gardiner, and Tom Hayward. Maybe I'm just a jealous b<3<3<3h who felt Tom deserved better because I have evil inside of me too. I am fully aware of the false and bad opinion that is, but it is my opinion deep in my heart, nonetheless. Goodnight to you all, I apologize for any of the ways I have disappointed anyone, and I hope tomorrow I can start feeling like a less horrible version of myself.

- ever, your jealous H<3e, SS

11:16am

Good morning blog!

I leave in 14 minutes : |
Can I just say that I'm really bored of working so much?? I'm not even anxious anymore or really feeling that burnt out, I just want to get on with it! I want to have time to unpack the two large boxes in my room, look over my stuff, see what else I need, save money, look around me, work on projects, think about life, hope for the future, talk to people, watch movies, enjoy music again, write things and organize my writings, look at the photos and videos my friends send me. But instead, I am barely fitting in one thing each day (and yessss part of that is my phone, I know. I will delete instagram, and actually I might just do it like now. Not NOW but tonight. And I know Pinterest is still a trap for me sometimes but at least that is productive. At least that is productive . . . it's curating my aesthetic, making me laugh, inspiring me, giving me quotes. Instagram doesn't actually give me anything . . .

So anyway, now that you were here for that big decision, (at least you got to be here for something!) I have to leave and I will sign off. I am worried that I scared off another friend, namely my Japanese penpal because she asked for the story of how I was groomed and I told it to her but I don't know if she knew what she was asking. She isn't really that type of person, she's not judgmental or anything, so I know she could just be busy, but I am beginning to think that the right ones simply will not stay and simply do not exist. Except Rian or Elsa, but Rian and I are the same person and Elsa also went through some stuff like that only recently so I guess I'm just a very exclusive personality. 

Peace out,
-SS

2:30pm

Good morning, blog! 

An update on the blog's look and chapter two (00,000,000) of restarting my life and taking back control and trying to get things done in the remaining hour that I have to myself. 
Because, while this morning I did fail miserably, I also count each new day as a chance to start again. God's grace and forgiveness wipes the slate clean and all my tally marks fall to the ground. In his mercy which is new every morning, I find a new start, without shame or judgement; simply a new chance to move forward. Which is what I'm going to do.
My brain says that if I don't have punishment, I am going to fall back into the same sins, as if punishment is enough to purge myself of the sin into which I find myself so much tempted that in those moments, nothing else matters. But what is actually the truth is that without accountability, I will find myself without a life jacket and continuing to get sucked back underneath the waves. At 4:00 I am supposed to call my best friend, but at 9 this morning I was supposed to head out to a church I have never been to before, and where I chickened out on that, I hope she is still able to call me. 
I am almost finished (sort of??) catching up on my devotional schedule (I just do it because I KNOW that I want to finish the whole Bible cover to cover this year and God is working with that to change me through extensive reading (something I've always longed to do anyway, it is just difficult when pressured by the presence of others, something I really wonder if I will ever be free of 😅) and He is definitely pointing out things in these Old Testament passages that I would not have been able to see before. Or, things I would not have been able to parallel with my own life, and therefore may have, in a way, missed out on the true meaning. I need to experience things to grasp them sometimes, although it's very easy for me to understand things, I can't get the full meaning (no one can) unless I am actually experiencing it.
What is it like to say no to sin? I wish I knew that more strongly than I do. I am always giving into certain areas and it makes me feel defeated. I know that is exactly how Satan wants me to feel, but contrary to the camp leaders' belief, church will Not solve everything. Can I be honest for a moment? I don't like going to church. I love God and I love his people, but it seems that the people in the church are not the same ones I would like to be a part of. I know this is wrong, but I just don't like those people very much and it gives me a headache. Why can't we have church in the evening instead of early in the morning? I don't know, I don't want to be that person, but sometimes I am. I don't like the people around here and I don't like church people around here, and I just don't want to be here, and I don't want to go to church. I would honestly almost rather be back at home, because I still feel like I want to run away. I am living right now, but when will that life begin? The one where I am truly on my own? I want to know . . .

Anyway, I have wasted so much time, I am always WASTING TIME (and it's because of my phone and I want to curse and swear) but one day I will have all that money (and you best believe I'm starting now), and I will have all my photos physical and I will have all my music physical and I will have all my films physical, and I will have all my Pinterest boards physical and I will change to a landline and a flip phone and a record player, CD player, tape player, mp3, box tv, DVD player, hookup cords, camera, you name it. I am DONE with instagram, Pinterest, snapchat, all these f*&(*ing time wasters. Sucking my life out and I feel SOOO sucked in and sooooo incapable of being a real human and so disappointed and devastated when I think about it too long. So anyway, signing off to get. things. done. ! Will be back later . . . probably 6 days later . . .

2:20pm

Good morning blog! 
I do not feel awful anymore, and since telling the world how I felt, it has since faded. I am revisiting some of my albums that I own on vinyl, and Vanishing Point is definitely one of New Order's best songs. 

Anyway, this post is for my friend Rian. 

Dear Rian
I heard Matilda today and thought of you. I can't wait for you to tell me how you are doing. Over the time that we have been a little absent from each other's lives I have seen the other side and back again. I miss you. Camp was not the same without you and I felt that icky feeling that I feel when something is missing, or gone. Like something was dead, and that always seems to happen. However, I do not mourn my lost friendships, I mourn the memories that I could not add to because you were not there. 
Life always settles back into this rhythm that seems lost in the current but always comes back like settling sand: life is empty of people except for these few I have been blessed to keep so far.
Amidst wild oceans of loneliness, and cold winds of contentment, it is lost among the surfing waves. This reality that when life is normal, and the flags are white and the sea is calm, texts back from anyone are few and far between, and I fall into sin.
I want life to be different for everyone else. I want things to change in this world for everyone else. I want things to be better, but I can't do anything for that cause besides support those I already have. I do this without the expectation that it will return to me, and it does not return to me very much. Still, it is a harvest I have been trying to sow since I was 9 (and considering most of my friends have consistently decided to fade themselves into the transparent background of my life, I seem to have been unsuccessful). 
But I have done all I could do, and I wouldn't do things differently. My advice to you is to always do what you know is right and don't listen to the lies of being conventional or whatever. Just do what you know you should no matter what. Please tell me everything soon - I miss you.

~ XoXo, Belle

I am too tired to continue this post any further.

 9:31am

Good morning blog ☀

Lets just be honest! I feel miserable. I feel really really awful. I do not feel like life is good and great and wonderful, but rather that I do not want to be living it at all. 
Now, this isn't any more fun for me to live than it is for you to read. It feels pretty much like an endless & vicious cycle, right? But I haven't lost hope yet. I just feel one desire - ONE - to go back home. I just want to go back home more than anything else and it's distracting me to the point that I haven't been able to live my own life. I hate going to bed and I hate waking up and I hate doing anything and I just feel scared all the time. I just want to go home. I just want to go home. Even for a month. I just want to go home. 

You see, last summer was beautiful - I quickly learned that I wasn't one much for dwelling on nostalgia. By 14 it felt like it would kill me - so I avoided it at all costs. I rarely entertain it and it scares me, sometimes. I don't like to live in the past. But last summer was the best summer - I really loved it and it caused me to think that summer was my favorite season. But this year, this year it is heat and sun ever present on my eyebrows, going to bed way too early, going to a job feeling sleepy, dealing with more burnout, and being so lonely I don't have words. I just want to go home. That is all I can think about. If someone were to ask me what's wrong, I would say that I want to go home. That is what I want more than anything in the world at this moment. 

It has occurred to me that certain friends have been written about on this site and that they have access to it as well. I guess that they probably don't read it, because it doesn't seem they are aware that I am aware of certain information. Who knows, I frankly don't care anymore. And that's another thing - I don't care about anything anymore to the point that it is almost dangerous. I am concerned, but don't really care that old friends ignore me or give me weird looks or respond unaffected when I say hi or look at them at camp. I don't care that I am wearing my kidsaint jacket and people are thinking things about me and looking at me with those looks. I don't care about how I am perceived, I don't care what songs we sing, I don't care about anything anymore. Life just lives and I just am a piece on the board - but I don't move. I don't even care about how much money I spend - how counterproductive is that?! And we came to my apartment first so I didn't get to grab anything I left at home and I want my CDs and the shirt I left behind and that means that when my sister wakes up she'll take my younger sister and they'll leave because they want to get home and I'll be left alone until about 3. 
So when I say that I don't like my job, because it is wrecking my life, it's because I feel too tired to do anything before work, or after work, or at work, and I am being pushed, and normally that would be fine, but I am not a robot, and that's how I feel I am supposed to be at this job. But also not - I don't know and I don't like it. Everyone has jobs they love and this is not the job I love. I don't have to think it's the best job ever, but it is affecting me greatly. And I won't go running back home, so no one can judge me for what I decide to do here. 

I am moving on from emotions for now to mention that I purchased artwork from my friend Elsa Wahlstrom - she has a substack called Elsa draws for you, and the picture I bought is called "I forgot how to ride a bike". I adore it so much. Here is the post with the picture that I bought.
I will breathe. And maybe I shouldn't dissociate but I don't know what else to do with myself in situations I don't want to be a part of. I feel like Adrian - everything I do is my own thing and nothing I do will ever correlate with another human being and I will never fit in and I will never even slide into a spot where I pleasantly stick out; I will just go to the grave difficult and strange and ugly. And as Job says somewhere in his own words "even death will not have me". 
I may feel like Adrian, but I can't even die like he did. I just couldn't do that but sometimes I am excited for  that day because I am just so tired. 

I'm a lost cause, and a bad guy, and real damn soon you'll realize, i'm a loser, and a problem, that you don't quite care to solve not anymore . . .

Original lyrics to Alina's newly released song "14U". Gorgeous song, btw. I plan to cover it with one of the choruses being the original lyrics instead.
My insides feel weak. 

But seriously, why do I stay alive and live through this horrible feeling period of my life??????????
Because in the future I might relive last year. I might. I might even meet J's family as unlikely as it feels sometimes. The stories take faith and faith takes strength, but if I can keep up that strength, I will always try to do my best. Instead of "doing it for Johnny" as Dallas Winston would say, I do it for Adrian. It's crazy to me, and heartbreaking, that Adrian was a  real guy. He really sang those songs and he really wrote those words and he really lived. 
I always tell myself that maybe I just need to eat or sleep or get alone for a moment. And then I do those things and feel the same way; or I feel even worse. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I can win. but we just have to keep trying, I guess. 

4:50pm

Good morning blog   : ) : )

So I got my Kidsaint jacket!! And I pasted a new cover onto my Bible!! And I posted another message for J on the unsent project. 
But I think he is in Korea now. And for the summer. I am not afraid of anything because I know that I live through all my fear. I was so crippled with fear of life in general the past weeks but I know that so far into the future are things we just have to believe will happen. We just have to believe. And life doesn't always make itself up to you, but it sometimes weakly tries. And maybe everything I want will come true. But why am I always the romantic one??

I was so happy and thrilled about this jacket, and she posted my reviews on Instagram and her husband commented "🔥🔥🔥" and I felt so cool in the coolest jacket <3

And here are pictures of my recovered Bible <3

My fourth post to J on the unsent project, because they have 4 different shades of green and I wanted to finally do all 4 shades for him. He will never know, so I single them out before they have a chance to bury themselves too deep.

Lyrics from The Sound

And realistically, I am fully aware of how stupid I am; of how much I rely on both faith and fantasy; and I am more than fully aware of how completely pathetic, empty, and pointless it feels sometimes. But when I wake up in the middle of the night, or have a random vivid dream all of a sudden, or I go to sleep with a remembered vision . . . I remember . . . 

I remember, and life won't let me forget. I can believe and I don't believe that it is stupid, as stupid as it feels. 

So I get to be covered in "I am safe inside uncertainty" and forge ahead. I believe. I believe. I believe.

-SS

 

2:21pm

Good morning everyone - : )

I am trying to stay positive lately - I know it is the only way to keep afloat. There is this problem with me: I am too lazy, often, to want to put up a fight. I am, frankly, tired of keeping myself upright. Every time I fall, or find myself knocked down, I use it as a sort of a test: will anyone help me up? Please, someone help me up! just to come back to the same realization every time:

 

"no one is coming to save you

get up."

This post saved me once, and now it has remained a nagging voice in my head. Other notable factors in my earthly salvation have been the thought of doing it for Adrian, the goal to actually make friends, or at least to find out whatever the heck is wrong with me, and Black's song of irony & sarcasm "Wonderful Life".
I know there are reasons to live and I know that you feel better when you get up and do the life, but I hate it sometimes. I hate having to get up. I only get up sometimes because I can't take the guilt of laying down. I hate having responsibilities and I hate being such a problem for myself sometimes. I don't hate myself - but I think the person inside of me is someone a little different from the person holding it all in. I don't know. I guess I am just sad and homesick and a little bit annoyed that things didn't turn out the way that I wanted. 

5:45pm

Had a break in what I was doing - I guess that I have resentment towards my job and a nagging feeling that there is danger, or that I need to be on alert. That I need to keep myself in good health on all fronts and that I am not protected. A feeling that I want to turn back around and knowing that I can't and that I must push through with a job I don't like and this horrible feeling, just this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and all over everything- it isn't an easy thing to swallow. I just feel like I wake up and am completely alone - that there is nobody to talk to. At the end of the day you can cry yourself into an existential sleep and wake up feeling like you need to slog through the day. But on a morning where you have nothing to do and you just feel guilty and like the last remains of yourself - your dreggs and sediment - are all that's been gathered up of yourself to complete the difficult task of living everyday; and you have to muster that up every day. It feels like I am just tired, and I'm sure it isn't helping that I have somewhat lost my sense of smell, taste, and half my hearing for now, due to a sickness I just went through with about 10 days ago, so I don't have a good sense of anything that is going on around me. I am outside and it is sunny and breezy, but with a low temperature. I can't smell the grass. I don't feel present in this world around me. Maybe that's why I have a heightened interest in films and such these past days. Whenever I don't feel comfortable in where I am or who I am, I turn to others' lives. To someone else's story . . . I just can't feel anything right now and I don't feel present. I am sort of coming back to a sense of feeling, but when I do it's just because something reminds me of what I had, and what I want and that I am not where I want to be, even on my journey to a different place to land. And I feel anxiety, resentment, homesickness, and dread. I feel sadness and disappointment and frustration and extreme loneliness where I simply cannot find a single person to turn to. Things will smooth out, but I am numb. And regaining emotional capacity and feeling will not be pretty. 

But I bought a jacket from Kidsaint. For $384. Its title is "I am safe inside uncertainty". It is coming with a custom quote of Exodus 33:15: "If your presence will not go with me, do not carry us up from here." And I am feeling hopeful because of that. Everything will be okay. Someday, perhaps, someone will hold me like I am held in my maladaptive stories. Whether that is stories of Dale Cooperesque knights in shining armor, or the shows I watch to cope. As Kidsaint says, "we are all just trying to cope with being alive". 
Maybe if I could rid myself of all fear. Fear is the root of all evils. Fear is my enemy, and fear is what kills. We are afraid. We are all afraid. We are afraid of showing ourselves, of being responsible, of answering calls, and of failing. We are afraid of showing up, of being punished, of reliving experiences, of experiences that haven't happened, or of never experiencing something. We are afraid. I live inside myself because my own world inside my head and heart is the only coating for all the fear that I would be running through in the raw, otherwise. 

I miss my family, and I am only an hour away from them. But I carry a heavy weight in my heart and a lump of charcoal in my throat. 

I have also made a playlist, finally, that I have long had plans to make. I have had an idea for a playlist of devastation like this since who knows how long. What I believe to be one of the most, if not The Most, saddest songs in existence has just begun playing right now: Happy Birthday Jane, by The Enemy. It is a song checkpointing what was probably my deepest plunge into depression to date. My sister's name is Jane. And I just don't know that I have ever recovered from that time. I still think about it, and I am still trying to regain something that cannot be regained. I lost a part of myself then, and I guess that that is what I am still dealing with and looking in the face when I wake up - atop the ceiling lies the point blank and hardest truth. "You have no one to turn to". Because I wasn't chosen. Because I was left rejected on the sidewalk to deal with life myself. A choice to respect, but a choice I cry about to this day. So you see, in the midst of a job I don't like at all, a move I hadn't planned at all, and a general fear that I know is unnecessary, old wounds are easier put on hold. It's just that they don't cooperate at all when you wake up on a day off and stare at the ceiling talking to your dread like it's a den of lions that have their mouths taped shut, but are no less terrifying somehow.

Anyway, the show will go on, whether the dancers dance or not, whether the chorus girls remember their lines or stand empty, and whether the puppets are fresh and lively or limping across the stage. All I can do is put on a brave face - a brave face shows faith in something that has not happened yet. But it will come. It will come . . . 😔

Here's to rejection sensitivity disorder and all the other wonderful things in life. <3 <3

-SS