11:36am

what is . . .

https://youtu.be/DQwlPQm69PY?si=VZaK7kHhUh0KJrqJ

This song makes me think of the show we are watching right now (I'll Go to You When the Weather is Nice).

It makes me think of Eun Sob and his silly decision. I don't understand him. We haven't watched past episode 7 yet so I was tossing and turning all last night. I know it will all fall into place after a while and I won't be in such distress, but right now it is confusing me why . . .

Why?

He likes Hae Won so much. I don't blame Hae Won for falling for him either. Her description of him to Kim Young Dae's character was perfect. But . . . then he just . . . switched? He just completely flipped personalities almost. Or, maybe not that, but he just closed up. He probably thought "oh no, I've opened up- I've shown myself" and had to tuck that away, but he's about to get breaking news, I guess: you can't show yourself and stay indifferent. you can't make someone fall in love with you and then hide yourself suddenly. you can't just take it all back as if they don't know you. 

I know he's just scared of love and wants to pretend he will never have to face it actually, but I just don't get him . . .

I stared at my tea bag lantern all night waiting for this song to play, but it never did on our bedtime playlist. 
It took me 2 hours to fall asleep. Maybe I condition myself to the people I'm around. Or the people I see and am interested in. But mm, I don't think that's the case here. I mean, I've always felt that sleep was so hard because it's like transporting yourself into another realm. Sometimes it feels as impossible as time traveling. I don't think that I think that I have insomnia simply because Eun Sob does. 

I flop around in bed like a fish on land and I'm so terrified of having to go about the day tired because I didn't sleep but I also can't sleep and if I do finally sleep, well, I haven't had a full night's sleep for like a week or two, save one or two nights here & there. I can't stay asleep. It's as though I have to know what tomorrow is already. I can't just sleep and wait for it to come . . . I have to be in control, I have to make the day come.

But I can't do that. I know that. The same way I think Eun Sob knows he can't hide from love forever. He knows that he has things that are precious to him, even if he doesn't want to admit or acknowledge it. The keychain probably was hers, and he does have things that are precious to him. He's just scared. But the pain of regret is worse than the pain of loss, and I think he's about to see that. Because regret is essentially loss in itself, you just made it happen faster.

So, it's the end . . .

Young K, "what is . . ."