Friday, February 28, 2025

 2:05pm

It's that last day of February; the only month I've written in my diary every day of.

Today is going to be a good end to a good week. I woke up feeling icky. Not bodily- rarely bodily. But things just felt wrong. Sometimes it's like that. There's nothing wrong. Nothing. But you just don't want to get out of bed. You don't know if you want to go back to sleep or if you want to get up and face the day. Then something comes to mind and makes you want to get up. Today I remembered I had packages coming and that got me up. Usually it wears off by the time I brush my teeth, but that initial getting up and making of my bed is tough sometimes. 
Maybe I just need to live by myself.

I think what it is as being an introvert is that when you're with people, even people you love, they still have the power to make you feel negatively, and sometimes it's for no reason at all. Other times, ofc, there is definitely a reason. But when you're by yourself, there's virtually nothing to make you feel sad or wrong or anything else. I don't know if that will ever change. I don't know if it's always been this way, either. But it's okay! Life changes so much, I don't like to let myself get too settled into any one idea, because suddenly I'm a different person doing different things, and it's okay. I used to be afraid of change. Maybe I secretly still am. But I know that change challenges you, and I'll be grateful for life by myself, regardless of what everyone else I talk to says. They don't know me. I must remember that. I know me, and honestly, no one else. 

Have a very happy Friday, everyone - I wish you the best over your weekend! โ˜€โ˜€โ˜€

-SS

Thursday, February 27, 2025

 3:37pm

Hiiii

Not a lot to say; when I don't have much to do, I feel like posting. 

I listened to this song for over an hour this morning. 

Balloon in Love (lyric video)



     Something I find inspiring today -  Sometimes life getting so hard
Everything is falling apart
Feeling like everybody wanna see me fall
But you know I don't care at all
- Lucas, Everytime- WayV

Call me typical, and maybe I am, but at least I have some confidence to make my way through life, but I think everyone thinks my plan is a joke. I work hard and they praise me, but I don't feel appreciated. I earn money and I buy things with it and they think I'm not serious. I lend my money and call it generosity. It's nothing else. I save my money and I work and people think I'm not serious because I'm busy or something. But I know that if I were telling everyone I was worried things wouldn't work out they'd be telling me it takes time etc. That's why I stopped caring what people think. I stopped caring about 5 years ago. They just  want to give you a hard time.

 8:26am

Good Morning! ๐ŸŒž

I hope everyone is doing well today โ™กโ™กโ™ก

Today is the day I get to resume our show : ) and I'm very excited. 
It's been 5 days since we watched episode . . . 9 . . . I think? and I so badly want to move on. I just hope that Eun Sob will finally stop being silly and thinking he can't have love, and that the remaining episodes can focus on their relationship, and that the drama can move somewhere else. 

I think I'm going to take apart my lanterns and try again . . . they just don't look like the video and it makes me sad.

I only have one more day of work until Monday, and that's tomorrow. I'm so happy because I was working until the point of exhaustion - I could hardly stand and I was ready to cry because I was so tired. Now I should be all ready to go back to work. โ™ฅโ™ฅโ™ฅ

Let's pray today is a very good day.

Happy Thursday everybody!!

-SS

Wednesday, February 26, 2025

 11:56am

Good morning! It's almost noon, the time of day where I'm not sure what you say- good day? Cause you can't say good afternoon until 1:00 . . . unless anything after 12:00 sharp is afternoon? I don't really know.

I wanted to write on Sunday or Monday but things have been, not exactly hectic, but somehow it's already Wednesday. 

The sun is shining and it's getting warmer and warmer every day. Sort of, maybe more like every 3 weeks, but anything above 15F is warm enough to get me outside. 

On Sunday we went to church for the first time in months. That's always how it is. We used to be driving 2 1/2 hours just to get to a good church. We did that for 2 years, and it was kind of awful. But I'm not going to complain about it because we have it really good, even if it means driving 2 1/2 hours, that's a small price to pay, indeed, when compared with what many others suffer for the Gospel.

It was really small, the whole thing. There were max 20 people including us, and we take up about a 1/3-1/2 of the congregation. The service was extremely lowkey and felt pretty old fashioned and it was a refreshing little service. I guess this is where the wheels stop for now, and it's only 40 minutes away. I don't have to get up at 5:45 in the morning to get ready and fear falling asleep every service. I don't even have to get up until 9:30 if I didn't want to. 

We sang Amazing Grace, which I'm not used to singing outside of camps, and it always makes me cry, ever since i was 11 years old. I can't sing it without welling up, so i guess i should change my sentence- i can't even sing it. My tears choke me until the very last verse and I struggle much to get through the song. But that's not an insult to it, if anything it's a compliment. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I have not been able to watch my show for 4 days now, and it's taking its toll on me. I really want to get on with it. My sister comes back tonight, and then we can resume. That will be a huge relief for me. 

It will be 51F today and I'm so happy. I can't wait for summer. For once I hope it will be calm and peaceful. I don't want wind and noise. I don't want summer headaches. I want the atmosphere to resemble the weather and be warm and quiet. 

Good afternoon, everybody - here are some songs for the replay before I go : )

* Ending Credits - TAEYEON
* Second - HYO, BIBI
* Everytime - WayV
* How Can I Say - Day6
* Boys Meet U - SHINee

-SS

Saturday, February 22, 2025

 10:26pm

Hi everyone...

How is everybody? 

Things are okay here, but I feel kind of low. I alienate myself and I don't mean to. The problem is that the stakes are already high. People already seem to be suspicious of me. I feel like i always need to pass a personal test, and I screw up. But how many tears do i have to shed for it to make sense? How much do i have to crave attention before i can be loved unconditionally? I yelled at my little sister because i wasn't thinking. Now i think i ruined my view of myself in her eyes. She's so sweet i don't know how i could have. Now i want to cry because i saw tears spring into her eyes. I feel like a horrible hideous thing... I feel so ugly in times like these. So unworthy. 

Why can't i just be likeable? Why can't I just be wanted? Why can't I just be normal, like everybody else. No - why can't I be special? Why do I have to be awkward and feel awkward . . . It's so humiliating, being on a tightrope. What do the people do when I fall? 

Sigh, in disappointment. Or laugh. Or stare in disbelief. Or get angry. Or stand there so long I start to feel the burn of it being my fault. 

If I must be queen, why can't I be loved? If I must be queen, why can't I have loyal subjects? If I must be queen, why does it have to sting?

that's all.

-SS

 8:45am

Good morning everybody!

Today I want to introduce you to one of my new favourite things: The tea bag lantern.

I found it on pinterest, firstly as Tea Bag Paper. Tea is one of my absolute favourite drinks, so the paper is easy to make for me.

Here are the links to the paper, and the lantern, as my instructions may be a little different or incorrect.

Tea Bag Paper  Tea Bag Lantern  

The first thing you should know is that you need two tea bags to make one piece of paper, so it takes a bit of patience to make the lanterns. Second, to make the lanterns, you need little wooden rods/dowels. I found a package of 10 but had my dad cut them in half. You need them to be 6" (half a foot), and the rods I picked up were 12" (one foot). However, if you are interested in making taller lanterns without shortening your rods, I will write down how that would, in theory, be put into practice (I have not yet tried it myself, but I know how it would work).

What you need:

  • 8 or 16 tea bags
  • 4 6" or 12" wooden dowel rods
  • Cereal/snack box or any non-stick surface (wax paper might work?)
  • Mod-podge (I use spray mod-podge, but it doesn't work as well as the spread-on mod-podge. However, I will also post the recipe for mod-podge at the bottom of this post so you don't have to worry about purchasing another item : )
  • pressed flowers, butterflies, papers, sparkles or anything else to decorate your paper's inside (opt.) 
  • Elmer's glue (I used 'glue-all' which works on wood, so I'm not sure if you have to use that instead of plain glue. However, because the paper is so thin, it sticks and dries on the wood very easily. If you want to be extra secure, use hot glue, although this would not really be necessary).
  • Battery operated tea lights, a flashlight or anything small that would fit inside the lanterns. (I highly advise against a real flame unless it is contained very well, as the whole lantern is very flammable!)

Instructions:
Tea Bag Paper:

Let your tea bags dry out for a day. Cut the string and carefully open it up, gently running your fingers down the perforation in the middle. Shake out the tea leaves and set aside. Once all tea bags are opened, throw out the tea leaves or use them in your plants as fertilizer. Either way, you will not need them in the making of this lantern, unless you plan to use them as your decoration.
Fill a shallow dish with lukewarm/cool water. Lay your tea bags, one at a time, in the water, tapping the bag with your finger to bounce off the leaves. Lay it on the surface of your choice and repeat with the remaining tea bags. Change the water 2 or 3 times, as it gets filled with leaves pretty quickly. 
Spray or gently spread your tea bags with mod-podge. Lay your flowers/decorations on top. Lay down another tea bag and spray with mod-podge. You will end up with 4 or 8 double sided, decorated papers.

Tea Bag Lantern:
Once your papers are dried and secure, carefully peel up from your non-stick surface. Be very gentle, as the paper is thin.
Take your rods, and squeezing glue onto the side of it like a hot dog, lay it on the ground, glue side up.
Fold a sliver of the long edge of your lantern (Decoration side up!) up against the glue on your rod and gently press down, smearing the glue and making sure it's secure.
Let dry and repeat with the other 4. Join rods together with glue and let dry.
*Note: You can keep this also as a little screen for your shelf or dresser and place a light behind each paper, or you can join together into a box to make a lantern. 
Once your lantern is finished, set up on your table or shelf and place your light carefully inside.
(Works best in the dark <3)

*Note- to make a tall tea bag lantern:

When making the paper, take two tea bags and lay them above each other like this: |     |
                                                                                                                                                                                         |     |

Then, glue the bottom of the top one to the top of the bottom one, just a sliver of the short edge. 
Continue making them completely as normal, just remember to glue your top papers together as well, before mod-podging them.
You may want to enforce the middles where you joined the bottoms of the papers with smaller rods, back & front (you would need 8 smaller rods). Again, I have not tried this, so adapt as needed.
Then join together with 12" rods instead! You will want to use a much taller light in this, such as an upright flashlight, taller 8" battery candle, or an oil lamp enclosed in it's glass shade.

It would also work to use your phone's flashlight or any app that may have a timed light on it inside the lantern if you put it on a stand, as the phone will be too heavy to stand against the lantern's fragile paper.

Mod-Podge Recipe:
Mix equal parts flour, sugar, water and white vinegar to make your own mod podge. (I'm guessing a 1/2 cup each? That would make about 16 oz. of mod-podge, if I'm correct. 
Disclaimer: This recipe was just on a post on Pinterest, the instructions/measurements were basically non-existent, but it shouldn't be too hard to mess around with the ingredients! I also have not tried it, so if it doesn't work, don't blame me, because I don't actually know. However, I used to make myself glue with flour and water and it worked just fine, so this should work!

The differences I have noted between my tutorial here and the ones in the video (I made my own paper & lantern and wrote this from memory, I have not looked at the videos since before I made the papers & the lantern) are these: 

  • She does not dry the tea bags (idk why I remembered it as she did) Looking at the videos, I just made it harder for myself, haha)
  • Her mixture of glue and water, as opposed to my using mod-podge; essentially I think they'd both work the same, but glue and water could be more inexpensive.
  • Her lanterns also have a base around them. (I suppose this makes it look a little sturdier, and it may or may not have a 'floor' in it as well, which you could make out of paper of any kind, wood, or any cardboard. I will have to try this on my next lantern. Making it without a base does allow it to be more portable, however, as you can fold your lantern easily.)
I hope you try making one and show me how it looks!

Friday, February 21, 2025

 8:40pm

Hello everybody ~

It's the ending of a tiring night, but a good one ๐Ÿ˜Š

no one's fault

Somehow this song ^ feels bittersweet, like a home, but a sad home. It's a home, so you feel warm, but it's a sad home, so you feel unsure about it. Are you really home? Is what it makes you want to ask. 

Thank goodness I'm not in a relationship right now, because otherwise I might have some sick feeling about the songs I've put into my Spotify's liked folder as though they were some awful omen against me and the relationship. They're all breakup songs . . .

All the Way

                 } Jackson Wang
LMLY

no one's fault - eaJ

what is . . . - Young K

Anyways . . .

My heart had a giant rock lifted off of it today. This show is such a warm and cozy place that I'm glad to be living in right now. 
All my misgivings, fears, anger,    diffused    when they kissed. Ahh . . .
"I can breathe now", my heart said. What a relief!!

I think they knew I couldn't stand to see any more of this angst. This anxiety. This frantic feeling- how, wha . . . when . . .  ?   ?

All that suspense was almost worth it! Almost . . .

They did make it a little too harsh, but, then again, maybe it was just bad timing. Maybe if it had been gotten over with in the same timeframe it wouldn't have been such agony. Who knows! I'll probably watch it again by myself in the future if it ends well : ) (Which I think it will . . .?)

The kiss sent a wild zing down straight into my stomach. I can't wait to have my first kiss. I just can't wait to see what comes after this! I just can't wait to see this love start blossoming!! ๐Ÿ˜Š๐ŸŒธ 
It was so passionate ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ If there's one thing in this world that I love and live for (even though I've never had one) it's a passionate kiss. Man oh man . . .

Sooooooo anyways... the kiss... yeah, that's all there is on the kiss for now.

_____________________________________________________________________________________Maybe I've just been watching too many kdramas (pah- what is too many?) but I really feel like my every move is that of a show. Someone is watching my life. Someone is ready to walk into it. But most likely not. But I can still pretend... Maybe it's just the current of 18, it's so steady, the way I feel older and more beautiful. And we can't forget, what Kim Doyoung of  NCT says: "You are the main character of your own life". 

That's all for now, it's time to watch episode 9 of "I'll Go to You When the Weather is Nice" : )
Pray that the ending is nice, please!

-SS

11:36am

what is . . .



https://youtu.be/DQwlPQm69PY?si=VZaK7kHhUh0KJrqJ

This song makes me think of the show we are watching right now (I'll Go to You When the Weather is Nice).

It makes me think of Eun Sob and his silly decision. I don't understand him. We haven't watched past episode 7 yet so I was tossing and turning all last night. I know it will all fall into place after a while and I won't be in such distress, but right now it is confusing me why . . .

Why?

He likes Hae Won so much. I don't blame Hae Won for falling for him either. Her description of him to Kim Young Dae's character was perfect. But . . . then he just . . . switched? He just completely flipped personalities almost. Or, maybe not that, but he just closed up. He probably thought "oh no, I've opened up- I've shown myself" and had to tuck that away, but he's about to get breaking news, I guess: you can't show yourself and stay indifferent. you can't make someone fall in love with you and then hide yourself suddenly. you can't just take it all back as if they don't know you. 

I know he's just scared of love and wants to pretend he will never have to face it actually, but I just don't get him . . .

I stared at my tea bag lantern all night waiting for this song to play, but it never did on our bedtime playlist. 
It took me 2 hours to fall asleep. Maybe I condition myself to the people I'm around. Or the people I see and am interested in. But mm, I don't think that's the case here. I mean, I've always felt that sleep was so hard because it's like transporting yourself into another realm. Sometimes it feels as impossible as time traveling. I don't think that I think that I have insomnia simply because Eun Sob does. 

I flop around in bed like a fish on land and I'm so terrified of having to go about the day tired because I didn't sleep but I also can't sleep and if I do finally sleep, well, I haven't had a full night's sleep for like a week or two, save one or two nights here & there. I can't stay asleep. It's as though I have to know what tomorrow is already. I can't just sleep and wait for it to come . . . I have to be in control, I have to make the day come.

But I can't do that. I know that. The same way I think Eun Sob knows he can't hide from love forever. He knows that he has things that are precious to him, even if he doesn't want to admit or acknowledge it. The keychain probably was hers, and he does have things that are precious to him. He's just scared. But the pain of regret is worse than the pain of loss, and I think he's about to see that. Because regret is essentially loss in itself, you just made it happen faster.

So, it's the end . . .

Young K, "what is . . ."


Introductory Post : )

 Introductory Post:

Good morning everybody! ๐ŸŒž   10:15am

This blog is inspired by Im Eun Sob's blog "Good Night Club" for insomniacs in the Kdrama "I'll Go to You When the Weather is Nice".

Meaning, although I'm not exactly sure what all of Eun Sob's posts are about, they seem to be written as diary entries and letters towards his readers at night to entertain those who also cannot sleep, and as a diary for himself. 

I will be writing similar content, as well as posting poems and my thoughts on random subjects. However, while some of this content may be 'deep', because you do not wake up every morning happy, so the content of this blog will be of various moods, because I feel things at full force. However, I am finding that every day in my life is happier than I ever thought possible because I am finding that life feels better than ever.

Feel free to comment or email me if you would like to reach out and say anything : )

I look forward to posting on this blog!

"Young, we wanna celebrate, love and we never hesitate

Hate that we miscommunicate

Times that we wanna walk away"

-Hendery, On My Youth, WayV

Introductory Post : )

Introductory Post : )

 Introductory Post: Good morning everybody! ๐ŸŒž   10:15am This blog is inspired by Im Eun Sob's blog "Good Night Club" for inso...