10:26pm

Hi everyone...

How is everybody? 

Things are okay here, but I feel kind of low. I alienate myself and I don't mean to. The problem is that the stakes are already high. People already seem to be suspicious of me. I feel like i always need to pass a personal test, and I screw up. But how many tears do i have to shed for it to make sense? How much do i have to crave attention before i can be loved unconditionally? I yelled at my little sister because i wasn't thinking. Now i think i ruined my view of myself in her eyes. She's so sweet i don't know how i could have. Now i want to cry because i saw tears spring into her eyes. I feel like a horrible hideous thing... I feel so ugly in times like these. So unworthy. 

Why can't i just be likeable? Why can't I just be wanted? Why can't I just be normal, like everybody else. No - why can't I be special? Why do I have to be awkward and feel awkward . . . It's so humiliating, being on a tightrope. What do the people do when I fall? 

Sigh, in disappointment. Or laugh. Or stare in disbelief. Or get angry. Or stand there so long I start to feel the burn of it being my fault. 

If I must be queen, why can't I be loved? If I must be queen, why can't I have loyal subjects? If I must be queen, why does it have to sting?

that's all.

-SS