Oct. 15th, 2025 4:50pm
Heyy : )
I miss my blog . . . I didn't really want to be away from you for so long, but I was busy with my real life, and now I will tell you about all that happened 😊
NOTE: This post is very long.
I'm going to start in July. I quit my job at the end of April, and in May and June I was just enjoying summer and balancing work, which was getting to be increasingly stressful. I felt like crying often and I suppose I did cry often, I don't remember . . . I tend to block those sort of things out of my memory. There's a lot I don't remember. Or maybe I just have a really bad memory. I don't know . . .
I lived in fear of being se*ually assaulted every night because our chef, Brady, was a former trafficker, or something, and I don't know why he was hired.
One day, after Brady got fired, I left for work and joked that Brady would be there again along with my boss Jason, who quit. I hadn't really liked Jason, to be honest.
When I got to work . . . a familiar skinny body was in the kitchen . . . a familiar man named Brady . . .
Stunned, I went out to get the juice machine and things to clean. As I was cleaning the juice machine, I was met with another familiar voice, saying "Hey Belle". Horrified, I looked up to see my former boss, Jason . . . I'm afraid too much of my horror showed through in the reaction. I'm not proud to say that I looked slightly disgusted, but I managed to say hi through the stupor I felt put into.
Dazed, I carried the juice machine into the kitchen, bumping into my friend and former coworker, Gracey. I was so thankful she was there and demanded to know why Jason and Brady were there, making clear how upset I was, because I didn't know how my silly little joke could have come true on that specific day . . .
I love Gracey, but she often didn't show up on days we were scheduled to work together and I am eternally grateful she was there that day.
Jason ended up being there just visiting, but Brady had been rehired and so I was looking for an opportunity to quit as soon as possible. This was probably springtime, I don't know.
Quitting was a relief, but I also felt lazy. I haven't gotten another job since then, my last day being in July, which I should probably tell you about.
On July 1st, I was supposed to train a kid named Dominic. What he was like, I couldn't tell you, because I never saw him. Technically I was supposed to be done by the time June was over. But I said I would train these kids, Dominic and Elaina before I left. Maybe I should have just said no, but if I was Dominic or Elaina I would have wanted myself to train me before I started. So I said I would. I thought back to myself when I started my job 5 days after turning 17, in the winter, a little bit sad and a little bit scared. I would have given anything to have myself training me. If I could go back in time and train my younger self, maybe I would be less scared. Maybe I would have been stronger. Maybe I would have felt more in control. Less small.
Anyways . . . on this thought I agreed to help train these kids.
On a day I had previously hoped to have been freed from this job, I went in once again. I felt like the wick of a candle when it's all the way at the bottom. Not much left to give . . .
To be clear, the job starts at 4:00. Because Brady was there, I usually liked to be at my job by 3:45. Brady was very inefficient and behind schedule, and because he was a guy, had a multitude of dishes. I missed Lonni, our travelling cook from Louisiana, a 20-something black lady with a two year old down south. She cooked good, cleaned up on time, and yet I hardly was ever scheduled with her. But the times I worked with her were the best, and I missed her. I still miss her. She loved working with me, too. She wanted to stay with me on the days Brady was there, but because of some issues with the nursing home I worked at and her agency, she had to go back home early. So I was stuck there extra days, without Lonni, and it wasn't her fault.
So, the job started at 4:00, and I liked to get there early because of Brady, but on this particular day I wasn't able to get there early. I almost apologized for being late, but I noticed something. The only person there was Brady. The ice machine had apparently been removed, so the microwave and everything was on the counter leaving little space. The dish room was filled with dirty dishes from Brady, and I couldn't do anything until Dominic arrived, because I needed to show him all the steps.
4:17 . . . I had made myself a little cappucino mix while I waited and drank it piping hot because for some reason there was this panic rising in my chest. I could feel tears forming before I could even realise why. I drank the coffee and scorched my throat, my burning tongue being the only thing keeping me from breaking down. I forced myself to breathe. What was wrong with me?
I had texted my new boss, Maria, and she said she'd text Dominic.
I went to the break room bathroom with my coffee and sobbed, hyperventilation taking over.
10 minutes later, I returned to the kitchen, a feeling of dread creeping over me that told me what I had already known, right from the moment I entered the kitchen almost half an hour ago.
I looked at my text from Maria . . .
Dominic wasn't coming in.
Immediately I turned and ran, back to the break room. I didn't even make it to the little closet bathroom before the tears fell onto my shirt. I sat in a chair, forcing myself to breathe calmly. I cried heavily for a few more minutes before forcing some composure upon myself. I was already behind in the tasks. Brady was already slow. I had to get moving.
On "autopilot", I maneuvered through the same tasks I had been doing 4 nights a week for the past almost 2 years. I was angry. I don't remember the last time I had felt that angry before . . .
So that was my last day at work. I wasn't going to train Elania either. And the next day, Gracey told me that Elania never came in either and that Maria had to work that shift all by herself. Gracey had moved to a different part of the nursing home about a month or so before that, and we didn't technically work together, but she still knew what was going on. I was so glad I had left. Normally I would have felt guilty, but not then.
Oct. 16th, 2025 12:13pm
Good morning! (afternoon, I guess . . .)
I forgot to mention an important part of my life, that perhaps isn't really so important. This June, I changed my mbti type. I have been typed 3 times, but the first time I didn't accept it because it didn't sound like me. Then a year or so later I read all the descriptions without taking the quiz and chose one. Then in June I was looking at the personality types of Dragon Pony's members, and decided maybe I wasn't what I thought I was . . .
The first time, at 14, I got INTP. It was too businesslike for me. I am organized and I know what I want, but it's not my first trait. INTP sounded logical with a creative side. It was such a daunting quiz that I discarded it and felt as though even the 16 personalities weren't complex enough for me. I was too many people at once.
At 15 or 16 I tried again, but this time avoiding the quiz. I didn't have the mind to really read through all of the letters' meanings, so I just read the descriptions of all the "I" types and decided on INFP. I finally felt understood . . . mostly. There were a few things that didn't sound like me entirely, but I just thought I couldn't hope to be perfectly described as a human and had to accept that maybe I was just so unique that nobody was poetic, and deep, and emotional, yet also intelligent, logical, and organized.
Then this June, I decided to study the letters. I- introvert; N- recognizing patterns, realizing possibilities, and making decisions off of them (or something); F- Feeling over thinking; J- having control and plans rather than letting things go with the flow.
It was that P that hindered me from feeling fully understood as who I was, and once I switched over to J, I felt so much more like myself. It all fell into place.
I am an INFJ, which means that I'm introverted and my N side contradicts but compliments my F side, so I can make emotional or intuitive decisions based on logical thinking (Imo, the best of both worlds), and my J helps me to keep it all tied with a neat little bow. Of course, not everything happens like that, sometimes my relationships get messy, and my papers get messy, and I feel completely not understood by the outside world, which makes it difficult for me to find support, but luckily enough, I have the support hidden deep within my bones, and when I wake up enough, I can get myself back up and rallying once more.
This was a creative with a logical side, as opposed to my "CEO" personality I had gotten about 4 years prior.
Now . . . I left off on leaving my job before, and now I can talk about my amazing adventures in Michigan!
I left in early July, and flew for the first time to visit my friends Stephanie and Elie in their shared/rented house in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
I had a really good time there, I met their friends and went on a bike ride, which caused me to crash headlong into a bush, lol. I had some bruises and scratches and a swollen leg, plus a large scratch extending from the right side of my mouth to my cheek that made me look like the Joker, but overall it was okay and once the initial pain wore off I had a good laugh. By the time I got to camp, my leg was only mildly bruised and my scratch was disappearing, so I didn't have a puffy leg or a joker mark at camp. 😂😂
I went to the farmer's market & a coffee roasterie, which is where Stephanie works. I got free flowers as well as some cold Asian tea, which was surprisingly good, considering I don't prefer green tea or cold tea XD
The coffee was so so good, and I would highly recommend it to anyone. Normally I only drink mine decaffeinated and sometimes even that hurts my stomach if it's too strong, but I could drink any roast of this (as long as it was made in a pourover and not drip coffee, that's what really gets my stomach), and I felt absolutely n o t h i n g.
It was this amazing bliss that I imagine almost everyone else feels drinking a normal cup of coffee, and I felt so free feeling absolutely nothing, drinking this perfect cup of coffee. One of my best experiences, and I felt so lucky to have those cups.
We also went to an art store and a jam-packed thrift store, where I spent tons of money on gifts, lol. I also went with Elie to get towels from a home goods store and my designer instincts were getting so jealous over a beautiful sage green rattan dresser, cute lamps, and things like that : 3
Then we went to a lake and saw a water ski show and got lemonade and things, and did one of Elie's "ship't" trips with her, which was fun, rushing around the store while nobody there knows that you're on a mission for someone else XD
We saw fireworks for the 4th of July, and I learned how to play Chinese checkers.
Then on Tuesday the 11th I was dropped off at the seminary and taken to camp. Ours was the last bus out XD
Camp was awesome . . . however, my body was not XD
I arrived at camp, went to the bathroom, found my best friends Carina & Rian, and we went to bring our things to our cabin, 10 minutes after arriving. On our way to our cabin, I passed by a boy - but not just any boy. My dream type - in the wild - but not in the wild - in fact, at the perfect place to meet your dream person, but not where you would ever actually find your dream person. It's where you'd hope to find someone who has the same beliefs and hopefully values as you, but too good and perfect of a place to actually find someone who is your type, has your interests, and things like that. I'd only dream of finding someone there, I wouldn't actually dare to hope I would.
Anyway -- I looked at him, and as soon as we passed, I swooned onto Carina's shoulder. My main hope had been to not find anyone at camp. Why? I'm a boy-crazy romantic, why wouldn't I hope to find a potential husband at camp?? Well, for the simple reason that I wanted to avoid emotional turmoil, reliving the same experiences that had led me down a road to heartbreak, and wanted to leave the U.S. with no strings attached. (I'm still in the U.S. as I need another year to make more money, which sort of complicates things further, but if I hadn't still been in the U.S. in July I wouldn't have found anything to complicate the situation and I'm rather grateful for these "complications", if they can even be called so, yet . . .).
So that's why I had hoped to leave camp unscathed by the arrow of Cupid, but life, or God, had other plans. I don't know . . . maybe it was a test on my emotional maturity. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I will just break my own heart again. I have the hardest time knowing just what to trust and therefore trust nothing completely and fully, even God, when I know that I should trust Him with my whole life and heart. I'm just scared to let go of control. I try to trust Him, I have every intention of doing whatever He says, but sometimes I don't know if I'm listening to my own heart or God's heart, or if they're saying the same thing. . .
So I passed by this boy and I died on the spot. It took 10 minutes to break my own vow to stay single by the end of camp. HALT. I am still single as I write this. I mean, future me, hypothetically, the desire, you know what I mean. In my mind I'm already engaged a year from now, and I didn't even want that.
I didn't even want the possibility. I had a crush every year of camp, but the two in between my first year and last year were just that - crushes - they faded, and I felt no desire nor urge to go up & talk to them or be friends with them. Just crushes, no real interest. And you know that I wouldn't go up to someone unless I had real interest in them as a person.
For 2 days I raged internally. For 2 days I starved (lies- for 4 days I starved) and gagged. I even caused a counselor to be a little upset with me because I wasn't eating during meals, and I would feel sick afterwards. Well, tell that to my mind, then to my throat, then to my stomach - because my mind wouldn't let me eat and my throat wouldn't let me swallow, and if I got past those two evils, my stomach would hurl it all back up again in mockery.
So much for nutrition - I only got exercise, and lost 10 pounds - a repeat of my first year at camp, but I wasn't really upset about the free and unhindered weight loss. I didn't develop an eating disorder and it wasn't my fault, so the only thing left to do was to be happy about it, even though the pain and turmoil was something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
For two days I yearned and gazed and stared and hemmed and hawed and tried every way possible to beat around the bush, but something pushed me across the room to compliment this boy on his guitar . . .
Something pushed me to talk to him again . . .
I said I'd never make the first move, and here I was basically asking him out, or as close to it as you can get at a 4-day summer camp . . .
Ah, but he was so so shy!!! I've never met anyone more quiet, shy or scared of his own capabilities. He wouldn't own up to the fact that he played guitar really well until I had told him about 4 times, and then he said that I made his day. Before we had this conversation I discovered he was a year younger than me, and I gave him some of my favorite tea - Bigelow, Vanilla Chai. I never did anything scarier than going up to him, but he was probably more terrified than me. He seemed so flustered, like I had asked if he wanted to climb a mountain after lunch and he didn't have shoes 😄
He loved the tea, apparently, and refilled it right on top of the old tea bag - I've never seen anyone do that before . . . I gave him another tea bag or two to have later and he seemed really surprised, I'm not sure why, though. As though nobody had ever given him something like that before.
I sat by him in chapel twice after that, but, being a fast mover, I frequently asked those older than me for advice because I was scared of my own feigned confidence that might just lead me into showing my interest too strongly too fast. My counselor told me I needed more mystery, and she was amazing. Probably in her early 30s, she was like an aunt or older sister, and I really hope she'll be my counselor next year 😄 I think I would disagree on needing more mystery, and sometimes I deeply regret not showing all my interest and sitting by him as much as I wanted, but that's life. I'd rather have little regrets than big regrets.
As it would be quite obvious to anyone who knew me who I'm talking about, and as I have the highest doubts he'll ever find this blog, I will feel free to share his first name.
Jason, or Jeungwoo as he is called in Korea, (he's Korean and has lived close to the US since he was 10), is the sweetest thing I've ever met - he's very shy, but he said that once he's comfortable around someone he's a lot different. I wonder what that's like, and I confess I'm very much in anticipation of the day where he feels comfortable around me. I know I shouldn't take offense, but I feel deeply hurt in a way that is not entirely his fault. And I guess it hurts when I think of myself as being someone not easy to connect with, since my deepest desire is to connect with my friends and have them understand me, and thirdly, love me. But I think most of the time they love me without understanding me and I'm not sure if that's worse or better. I want Jason to be comfortable around me more than anything in the world and I feel hurt at the thought that he doesn't, and it feels like it's my fault, but really I'm a very difficult person to understand from an outside perspective, and I think my forthrightness is a bit off-putting for him. I don't know how to feel, it feels like a trap, and I took the bait, although I don't know what for. To cut my heart in half and leave it at the seam to try & heal a deeper wound? Or to be stolen forever . . . that would be better. I don't know how to feel. I think he likes me, but there's that 20% chance that he doesn't, and I'm really afraid of that. Maybe he is too...
I got his number, we went ziplining and other things, but he's like how I used to be on the phone, he doesn't talk much, and again, I suppose that's because he isn't comfortable with me, but again, it hurt because my deepest desire is to get to know all about people and understand them and have them understand me. I can't count how many times I've said this, felt this, but it's never been satisfied. I can only see people from the outside, read their thoughts, and understand their emotions. But I can't be their confidant, because they have someone else who understands them, who knows them from years of experience, and I feel inferior. I always feel inferior to the very people I long so much to connect with. I suppose this is why I feel so alone.
Jason is an INFP, which means that if its a true description of him, he wants to be understood - I hope this is the case, I mean, maybe he wants someone who will understand him and also help him to make the most of himself and his dreams. That's what I do best, I think. But maybe he can't see that, maybe he can't see what I can see, maybe I'm seeing more and he's just living . . . I don't know why I feel so hurt, I think it's just because the very thing that has always evaded me is the very thing I want more than anything - a best friend, a confidant, someone who loves me very much and shows it. There's things I give people that I don't even notice I go without - people being proud of me, understanding me, appreciating me, and I know that there's people who give me these things occasionally, I'm not saying I never experience them. But they're not all the time, not as often as I give them to people. Not enough to make me feel supported by the people around me, just enough that they're there, living as spectators of my life instead.
5:36pm
He has been a large but very quiet part of my life. He holds my hopes in his hand and he has no clue. But I don't impose my life upon him. I have a card in which I pour out but a fraction of my soul - just to get the important stuff out. Will you be mine? Is essentially all it asks. But at the same time, it says so much more than that. It tells him how he healed me from my past traumas, and how I think he is the sweetest thing ever and the things I would like to do if we were closer together. He is over 1,000 miles from me, but what isn't? Everything seems miles out of my reach, and I'm honestly quite tired of being here. I'm content but at the same time, it's rather limiting to my potential, and my relationships, and frankly, I don't really care about others' opposition, disapproval or wariness of my plans for my life. Its my life and I flatly refuse to let anyone make it less than it should be.
That being said, I'm not against changing my plans for Jason. Honestly, I know I don't quite see it right now, but knowing how he is, I know that in a future beyond my current vision, he is perfect for me, and we are happy. But in my fear-filled heart, we are never together, never what we could be, and I'll be another passing imprint on another man's life. If I'm a heartbreaker, surely it's only my own heart that I'm breaking, because I can't seem to keep anybody around and this fear is sometimes crippling. I won't limit myself, but what if others are too scared to be unlimited? What if Jason doesn't have this fiery, unfazed bravery that I do, because I put love as the most important thing above all, and I would live and die by it? That you can't really lie to me, that I see through everything, but I so desperately hope beyond all hope that i will be loved?
What if he's not that strong and he isn't willing to be strengthened by me if necessary?
What if?
But of course, there's always the other side of the coin, and as I always hope for the best, I'm going to do it, I'm going to ask him to be mine and I hope he says yes. I hope he trusts my loyalty.
Another thing I found myself roped into late this summer, was Harry Potter.
I never thought I was going to be a fan, but you know what . . . I never thought I would like Kpop, or the color green, or fall in love with an Asian boy or someone younger than me or less outgoing than me, so I don't know why I'm surprised now.
My favorites have been Neville Long bottom (my obsession), Snape, & Luna. Tom Riddle is drop dead gorgeous as well, although not a favorite character. I also think Lockhart is hilarious.
I'm not a book fan, I don't feel like reading the books, and my friends do come for me on that count, but I don't really care, honestly XD
This Neville obsession and the little plant collages people make of him has also helped to further my liking for green, and I've even made a few of the little collages myself. I have now a new aesthetic added to my collection. I've always had a nature aesthetic, but this year it was completed by adding green, brown and white. Sage green, mostly, but I find dark green to be beautiful as well. My aesthetics are/were as follows:
🥀 - Morrissey, The Smiths, Poetry, Rain, Wet streets, Fall, Black heeled boots, Flower Dr. Martens, Brown tights, 60s dresses, Feminine mop haircut, hiding my face, tears, old books
🧡 - Hendery, Happiness, Summer, Sunshine, Laughter, Pepsi, the E's in other people that I don't have: Energetic, Extroverted, Kpop, Multi colored beads, Keychains, Orange and pale pink, White, bamboo
✰- Star shapes, "edgy" kpop and sad music like ALINA, rain, black wide leg jeans, black cardigans, baggy + bag combo (wide leg jeans, tennis shoes, outerwear, tote bag on shoulder), star earrings, Japanese coin necklace, double sleeves, black and white, navy blue
🌿- Neville, green, brown, black, white, dark green academia, infj, reading, tea, coffee, pourovers, rainy weather, green, wet leaves, minimalist closet, exercising, romanticizing cold weather, love, poetry
8:30pm
I suppose at this point this post can come to an end. Tomorrow I will talk about the details of my life, since the big stories are over now, which is always the most daunting part of reconnecting with a person or a journal.
Good night to everyone!!
-SS
