12:17pm

Goooood morning everyone!!!

Happy new year!!!!!!

It's been awhile . . . 2 months? 

But the big question on my lips is . . .  how does my blog have views?! Who is seeing this blog? How are people finding it? I'm genuinely wondering where I posted the link, because I can't remember anymore . . .

My message to you all:
The unhoped for can happen and things won't fall apart. 
I say this, but I almost did fall apart . . .
J will not be in a relationship with me, because he doesn't know how he feels. He doesn't know what he wants, and he isn't ready for anything like this right now. And bless his soul for being so honest because if he hadn't been honest, things would have been ruined. What is in God's plan for us is to remain friends. I'm just focusing on how grateful I am for that, because I spent Monday and Tuesday crying about losing him. And when it was revealed that we could still be friends, I felt okay. I seriously thought I had done something bad, but he never blamed me. He only didn't want to hurt me. I did something foolish by giving him a book of my poetry, but what's done is done. There were only 16 poems and I avoided some of the worst ones that would give him a true picture of what a wreck I used to be or how awful I've felt towards some people, but he still was terrified to tell me no about being in a relationship because he thought it would damage me, and also thought that meant he would have to let me go, which he really didn't want to do. He doesn't want to keep me on the hook, but he doesn't have to, because my heart makes that decision. Nobody makes the final decision for me. If he said we could never be in a relationship because he will never feel that way towards me, then I would say, "okay, I won't ever hope for one." Of course my heart is a liar, but I would grow used to that idea. But since he said he doesn't know and that he would feel lonely without me, and he just doesn't know what he wants, and he wants me to find someone better than him, but I'm not actively looking for anyone (I never have), then I will just have to secretly wait for him until I get hurt. Unless I don't get hurt and he learns to love me. But for now, I get to keep my wonderful friend and bank my heart on the possibility that we could be the ones for each other, and I don't know if the pain will be worth it or if there will be pain, or what will happen, but I do know that his being my friend and wanting my friendship has saved me from a jaded fate; from apathy, lethargy, and possibly depression. I felt myself feeling lost, like a failure, and brokenhearted at the thought that I could have damaged him or his family or disgraced myself towards them like that when they are the family I have always looked for and thought couldn't possibly exist. They are everything I've lived to find, and if I never get to be a part of them, I will die convinced that I missed out on some key role in my life that somewhere in the past, I fumbled my right to become a part of. I feel like Laurie towards the March family. It's not something I know that I will become a part of or that I even think I could possibly deserve, but it's what would make my life more complete than any plan I've ever had. 

I wrote this in my diary this morning:

A new year's message for J:

Since I can't give this to you - 

since I refuse to give you any more notes -

no more grand letters or declarations -

for those would surely scare you away forever -

I write you this in private.

You are healing me - through things

we can't control, I experience hurt, and

instead of leaving me to bleed

all alone, you bandage up my wounds and 

stick around to make sure I'll be okay.

You don't leave - I know what you're

afraid of, and I want to tell you that 

you don't have to be. I do. Because

I'm stupid. But that's not your fault - 

and the way I've been created - my

heart has to wait for the possibility -

I live on the possibility - that you

would grow closer to me, want me -

let me be yours. Even if it never happens,

my heart would break now if I left 

you behind in fear of future hurt.

I would rather be there for you, you

be there for me, and we draw close

with the possibility of becoming

more, even if it never comes to be so,

than run away from any chance of

love, just because I could get hurt later.

We'll always get hurt at some point

or other - it might as well be worth it. 

Even though, in the midst of all the pain,

I feel like a failure, aware of all my

extreme foolishness, and I cry out that

none of it was worth it - the more worth

it the tears, the more it hurts like the Dickens.

And truly, for a damaged heart like mine, 

is pain ever worth it? I always feel that

it drags me back & I lose progress in my

journey to healing - and maybe the

pain isn't what I hold out for (of course it's not!)

but what I think, briefly, stupidly, is that

the possibility of a good thing was worth

the pain, no matter how excruciating.

And then when everything turns out the way

I was afraid of, I can't help but feel blame

for it, and I feel the agony of my mistakes

and lament even trying.

So, to close - if, if, if - but I hold out

because of what I know - the one thing

that's sure is that you are a wonderful friend,

you have healed me, and I have no choice

in my heart but to wait for you.

So, we start the new year off with the one thing I had hoped for truly - a support system. And that's all I can really say, because I need to be thankful for that, and I am. My new year's resolutions are these:

✰ Be there for my friends - believe in them

✰ Be more intentional in showing my friends gratitude

✰ Grow in grace & in the joy of the Lord

✰ Grow in diligence

✰ Keep going

✰ Trust God more

I am going to be honest, I trust my gut a lot of the time, or a feeling I have, and I don't have a sure feeling that J will ever like me. Sometimes I do, but sometimes I don't. I can't see this one - I can't guess it. I can only hope, blindly . . . and I'm afraid that I will just have to accept that I was wrong again and maybe I will never find someone. Maybe J will never want me like that - he says he doesn't even know what kind of person is right for him. I have no idea what kind of person I'm right for . . . I know what I want for myself, but I don't personally feel right for anybody . . . maybe everyone else is meant to find love but me and the rest of the single party. I can be happy alone, but what would truly complete me is having that romantic love. And maybe I was just never meant to feel complete - to taste it and leave it alone. To try and touch it and get pushed back. 

"No One is to Blame" - Howard Jones
You can look at the menu, but you just can't eat

You can feel the cushions, but you can't have a seat

You can dip your foot in the pool, but you can't have a swim

You can feel the punishment, but you can't commit the sin

And you want her, and she wants you

We want everyone

And you want her and she wants you

No one, no one, no one ever is to blame

You can build a mansion, but you just can't live in it

You're the fastest runner but you're not allowed to win

Some break the rules, and let you count the cost

The insecurity is the thing that won't get lost

And you want her, and she wants you

We want everyone

And you want her and she wants you

No one, no one, no one ever is to blame

You can see the summit but you can't reach it

It's the last piece of the puzzle but you just can't make it fit

Doctor says you're cured but you still feel the pain

Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain

And you want her, and she wants you

We want everyone

And you want her and she wants you

No one, no one, no one ever is to blame

No one ever is to blame

No one ever is to blame

Happy new year, everyone! Enjoy your summer when it comes, because that's all I'm looking forward to right now - beautiful summer when the world is mine again and nothing holds me back from stepping off the porch into my life. Here is to 2026 . . . I don't know what it holds, but I won't be afraid. I won't. I won't.