9:20pm
Good evening, blog
Feeling down when I was supposed to be feeling up right around this time XD
First things first, and not all of these are things that brought me down, but the big news of the week is that I deleted my Instagram account. I will post everything that I saved off of there in messages etc. at some point, but right now I am supposed to be going to bed, or something. Anyway, I work 7 days in a row and then I start working a little less. So lets go, here begins day 1/7 of the work week. Should I post every day of these 7 work days and then on my day off get a bunch of stuff done?? That actually sounds like a good plan -
Tonight marks sleep 1/7 before work - we can do this.
I told my best friend Rian about what I consider to be the letdown of the century: Quasimodo doesn't get with Esmeralda?? We all know that in the book everyone dies or something, but I thought Disney would give us gorgeous + hideous. Of course if I'm being honest, I didn't think it could really be possible, but you know, that's why I was going to watch it . . . don't we usually watch movies for the impossible? So against all public opinion (which I would say is about 50/50 or 60/40 on if the sequel is good or awful, I will watch the sequel just to try and satisfy that empty feeling inside me that expected Romance and got . . . a society nightmare? Of course they invented some He-Man to come and steal her away, geez, way to boost confidence . . .
Anyway, a little bit of that and a little bit of this feeling that I have lost another one in the form of my Japanese penpal, (who I finally messaged again, by the way). And just in case I could salvage anything by way of a very useful tool called Communication, messaged and said that I hoped she was doing well, asked if I had said or done anything wrong, and clarified anything that might have given me a bad name if misunderstood - as well as apologized for the simply unholy amount of text in the messages I had sent 19 days prior - so we will see what happens after that. I must be healing, or else I am numb, {but in some ways aren't they the same feeling?} because I don't feel the ground shaking ache in my heart that usually arises from situations like these because of the many times I was left on read and then left for dead by some petty boy with thin framed glasses, yellow hair, an ugly face and that horrible thing given to about 78% of the male population when they are born: an overdose of nonchalance. Or the time when he "was locked out of his discord account" which had such a sincere apology birthed only in the tone of voice that says "I f-ed up 100 other times, and all those excuses were lies, I know, but this time I'm crying wolf for real, and I need you to believe me before I let you down from my forklift into the construction pit below". So yeah, I think he did get locked out of his discord account just to remember me when he came back (probably not because there were a few concerned messages from his token love bomb, yours truly), and probably was a sweatin about how he was gonna explain this mess-up when he got back because it probably happened at the very inconvenient time when he was planning his master break up messages, so you know, he had to wait a couple more weeks before he could finally carry those out. AND I'm still texting the loml who is uninterested in me and I'm not anxious?? (genuinely no sarcasm here), you've gotta be kidding me - the human emotional network and mental/nervous system can learn to heal. Now THAT has got to be news for the world in 2026 . . .
If it weren't for the migraine behind my eyeballs i would probably be writing a little more ambitiously tonight, but I think I achieved a good enough amount, and so I'm feeling a little down because the letdown of the century is that we gave into society's pressure again and let the ugly guy walk off alone, and because I am slightly afraid my past will always scare people away (maybe why the letdown in the hunchback tonight felt so anti climactic and disappointing . . .), but I am going to start a Kdrama soon, "Brewing Love", and I hope and pray to the Lord Jesus Almighty that it is a good and satisfying one that leaves me as upbeat and inspired as all the other ones do especially during these trying times of becoming an adult (XD), and who knows, if I can't sleep, there's a hundred other worse things I could be doing than starting a Kdrama little too late.
Oh, I also finished The Other Bennett Sister. 7/10- not bad, I just wasn't a fan of Mary as the show continued, I don't know how to explain it. It was almost like she became proud, instead of confident, I don't know . . . maybe I just need to watch it again closer to the other episodes, and maybe I just wasn't a fan of her character, and that's okay. Favorite characters were for sure Mr. and Mrs Gardiner, and Tom Hayward. Maybe I'm just a jealous b<3<3<3h who felt Tom deserved better because I have evil inside of me too. I am fully aware of the false and bad opinion that is, but it is my opinion deep in my heart, nonetheless. Goodnight to you all, I apologize for any of the ways I have disappointed anyone, and I hope tomorrow I can start feeling like a less horrible version of myself.
- ever, your jealous H<3e, SS
