4:06pm
Good morning!!
I was going to write this morning again, because after I write on here once, I get the urge to do it again, and I've a mind that I could really easily build up better habits, but here is where having a large family comes in as a bit of a difficulty. Moreso the fact that it's rare to find someone who will look about themselves and do things for someone else for once, leaving that to the same sets of shoulders. Instructing or prompting takes just as much energy as doing it yourself, sometimes, and I guess it's just hard to find time for yourself. I'm not the sort of person who can just ignore other people or their moods, or anything like that, and sometimes I want to just be with someone, but it's hard to find the right stuff. Sometimes it's just easier to be alone than to deal with negative/selfish people, and it's easier to be alone when you feel hungry, and it's easier to be alone when you want to be with people and you know the people you want to be with don't want to be with you. So I am often alone "by choice" and yet I am often not allowed a choice, which means I am not actually often alone. I am often crowded in. It's one or the other - very rarely, outside of online, do I find good company to help me enjoy life. I enjoy life. But while that is true, it is also true that I often find myself realizing that there are many many everyday pleasures which I live without and which would really make me a truly happier person. I never sit around and wish I was happier or had such & such, consciously. I sometimes wish I had something that I know would make me ecstatic, and on cloud 9 and infinitely happier than I believed possible, but maybe that's not something I will ever be meant to experience. That isn't the question we are asking right now. I say I "never" sit around etc. what I mean is not that I am perfect and perfectly thankful and content, and everything. But what I mean is this: I make every effort to be content no matter what. To be thankful for everything. I really do, and I really want to be the best I can be. I am fully aware that my inner thoughts, emotions, and monologue are probably full of hideosities and oddities and contradictions and sins. But regardless of these, I enjoy my life, and besides that, I am at the same time aware of the fact that there are things I can look forward to, (as a better way of putting what I have been trying to get across), the things I hope I will experience in the future that I know would bring to my realization the fact that I have not known things which could make me happier than I knew. "In short", as Mr. Micawber says, I am aware that there are things (hopefully) awaiting me in my future that will open my eyes to happinesses I didn't know could be experienced, because I have not yet experienced them. I have gotten good at living a good life, if not always the most fulfilling because I am currently working towards helping others live a more fulfilling life, since they possibly struggle more than I do, or simply because I can help, so therefore I should, that we can all live a semi fulfilling life. I'm not really an "every man for himself" type of person, and I don't really believe in that kind of society. It all depends. All I know is that in my own house, while I am still among siblings, and crowded in, I try to make it as pleasant for everyone else as I can, even if it isn't always the most pleasant for myself, because I know that in the future I can live my life the way I want. I'll make sure of that, if possible. And because I know all this, I state my recent realization: I have realized that I have lived devoid of many excitements and ecstasies which I hope to experience someday, because there aren't many wins, or losses, but certainly more losses than wins, and certainly more standstills than either of those, partly due to my own hopping from family member to family member, and so I am excited for the day when I may relinquish my place in this household and make my way as someone who will really feel unspeakable joy, true excitement, and many wins long waited, long hoped and (hopefully), long worked for.